• i was going to stop drinking for two weeks, then reward myself with a piercing. i made it four days, until jess got home, bringing jan and maggie and drunkenness into the house. then i got persuaded to go into town, and a zen shot was placed in front of me. 1 shot, 1 cider. that's not too excessive right. i'm wrecked though, 48 hours, no, almost 3 days on about 3 hours sleep. i can't do this.but my body won't let me rest. and i'm scared, i'm scared that jess will do something, i'm scared and i can't do anything to help her, she's beyond help right now. she needs time, and distraction but she doesn't feel like she can last through it. and oh god, i do not want to be cleaning up another suicide attempt, i do not want to come home to a body, or news that something's happened. and the selfish part of that, for me, is knowing that i'd have to move back home. i couldn't handle that. and i've put both hands on. before, i fell asleep for a really short time listening to untouchable face. i miss you, i shouldn't and i should give you space. but i need to know what that tumblr post meant, i need to know if you meant to quote ampersand when you wrote the dream story. and i'm trying to stop myself from reading it. i am just so sad. i fucked it, forever. i was so close to having you back, and then i fucked it. and it's horrible, because the more i realise i like emma, the more i realise that i miss you more, and that there is still something. maybe i'm still going through the stages of grief? but i miss you. i miss everything, i'm getting detached again. and i'm so goddamn lonely, but i refuse to have another one night stand, and i don't ever fall for anyone. the only people since we broke up, have all been people that I really can't have. my body hurts from this sadness.

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