Dirty. Unwashed. Crumpled and unfolded. She said the words that I was dreading to hear. With a staccato of words fired between us, each of them not lasting even a second within our short term memories (Or in our redundant conversations for that matter). Only two of them seem to stand out from the rest.
'You're dirty' just as she said them, with a casual lilt of her tongue, turning away from me. i was struck frozen at that moment, without a thoughtful retort. The already droplet saturated air seemed to condense around me then, and it just hovered there; engulfing me, entirely... purifying me.
I noticed how the drops moved so harmoniously in the air. It was beautifully synchronized. With a passing wind, the drops swirled collectively in a clockwise direction, without one drop moving too fast, or too slow. The floating configuration of nature was to the exact, not approximate. Perfectly calculated by no one in particular, it just was. Each one of these droplets reflected a single ray of light, brightening the room with the haziest most weary white. My mother headed out the door only a few seconds ago, but I was caught up in a moment of thought. Moments like these happened often. Daydreaming, as one would like to call it. To cause the mind, to slip through cracks of time, to avoid reality and what was true. I was starting to feel like a deer in the headlights.
Realization hits me. Suddenly placed in a bright room, with no knowledge of how I got there, or what I was even doing, then bang! today's earlier events bombard me and I felt I needed to owe my mother an apology.
Disentangling myself, from my self-centered self, I headed towards her way. On the way I tried to shift my vision in another angle, to one that was higher above me. To one who could assess the situation fairly with an unbiased view. No, not god. I lost my faith ages ago. What I needed to do now was say 'sorry' to her without a single emotional tag attached. What I needed to do was deny the rage I built up over the years, and simply replace myself with another new forgiving 'not-me' me.
I felt dirty doing this but I knew I was better off. I stood quietly beside my mother's open door. She was inside, she knew I was there looking at her, but she did not dare look at me.
"What d'you want?" the words spewed out angrily from the back of her head, and I thought I could burn holes through it, if I focused hard enough. I swallowed, before I said "I'm sorry mum" in a quiet submissive voice, that made me feel like disintegrating crap down a toilet bowl. But I knew that's how she liked her apologies...
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