• and if we happened to find ourselves in each others' arms, what I would feel might utterly destroy me. Even thinking about it gives me chills, and my mind wanders. But everyone would notice the sharp contrast between how happy I would be and how miserable I've been for the better part of a year, and people would think my behavior highly suspicious. But I'm not sure that I care. But I'm also afraid to know where you are, in case I decide to go there.
  
  but i want it want it want it
  i want you to render me incapable of speech
  i want you to destroy me. just a little death

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