For those who wonder what I am waiting for
- October 23, 2011
- artemisagrotera
- 1 Comment
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I hate to inject any reality into this page, because this is where I can reflect on and perpetuate the unreality that I've created, but: I'm fairly sure he doesn't actually want me and doesn't want anything physical and just wants me to leave him alone. Maybe he enjoys entertaining the idea of forbidden love, or knowing someone admires him from afar; I don't really know. I think distance is key to this situation, although that's exactly the opposite of what I want. If what I wanted ever happened, I think he would grow bored and disillusioned with me very quickly. As long as he never truly knows me, there is no chance for me to disappoint him. Also, I tend to be a serial monogamist, and I'm almost certain he wants nothing at all to do with that. Maybe better to keep it in my head, because the very act of pulling fantasy into reality often destroys it.
I am surprised that it makes me cry to type this, even when I'm trying to be perfectly rational. I guess that shouldn't surprise me, but it certainly caught me off guard. It sounds sad and defeatist, like someone who won't take risks anymore because she's been crushed too many times, or has learned to edit herself as a form of self-preservation. I wasn't always that person. There is also a very real fear of violent retribution, and this fear is for his safety as well as my own. There's a big mess I need to take care of and it will take me quite some time to get my head straightened out after that. I don't expect him to wait around for that, and I don't think he wants to anyway. So because of that, I've allowed myself to become a fairly highly-functional alcoholic and occasional heroin addict so I can forget that I'm in love with him and my life is a mess that needs to be fixed before I should be allowed to be in love with anybody. I have to re-learn how to live for myself again, and I have no idea how I could have let myself forget to do that. But knowing all this rationally doesn't help me stop feeling what I feel. Thank you for reading and asking questions. It's terrifying to put it out there, but also therapeutic.