• "Am I allowed to be a real person?" I needed a real answer,all the right words I have never felt so invisible he closed the door to protect me that kind of question was not ok he didn't want anyone to hear, to see that i was unraveling that their unkindness held a power I just couldn't get it out from under my skin I cried as the music played, eyes closed and heart open dripping everywhere, hidden in my room which wasn't really mine a house but not a home "be happy with me! be happy!" I couldn't help it my hurt soaked through all the muscle fibers and i just kept thinking how? how does this happen? how do the people you trust break your heart and not even really notice I have always been one to come up with a plan I wanted the solution before the next problem, so that this would never happened again but there didn't seem to be an easy fix you let people into your life and sometimes they turn against you a necessary risk it seemed so unavoidable I leaned into him, depending promise of forever and I hoped we could keep it as the patterns on the ceiling started to warp, and the melody of the Beatles spun like sugar in the air I made myself stop calm inner peace all the love in my heart could not be unhinged we danced like children, night fairies with wings The trees were bold and sharp, and I breathed in my childhood Florida nights with beautiful weather that's what I had come here for When you leave behind the only person who has ever truly known you you leave behind yourself As I walked to and from my classes, headphones on, feet steadily moving I had never in my life felt so invisible I was here, but not really nobody knew me as I defined myself in my head I practiced silence, even as I danced around in my high heels and make up Nobody knew I'd rather be at home and even if they did, they certainly didn't care It had been ages since i'd written, months and months of unused monologue echoing inside my head I didn't want it on paper because I was scared scared it wouldn't come out right, scared it would look different from another angle that maybe on paper, I would no longer be the victim that it would be all my fault and I could see that spelled clearly in between every word people are like planets, you need a thick skin it was true, but my skin felt like tissue paper No matter how I twisted it, I couldn't get the unkindness out of my head I didn't know how to fix this anger from nowhere, directionless and devastating No matter how much you try to live around it, pretend it isn't happening, it's so prevalent it created a heavy fog around my world and I felt my shoulders droop in surrender I didn't believe in standing up for myself nobody would listen anyway and all that yelling shattering the space between my bones well, I simply couldn't bear it All I needed was my own world I ducked inside my head for hours at a time, wishing perhaps for somebody to join me I tried so hard to melt the pain, to forgive and forgive and forgive It eroded me washed me away how do you smile when there is a toxin in your breath, infiltrating into everything? I wanted a bubble protection from betrayal, from broken trust instead I had a bedroom without a door, orders written on post it notes these were the consequences of my actions after all, I had chosen this I could have lived alone Maybe it will get better or maybe I'll just learn to shut it out that's why I'm focusing on my own world, rebuilding i need an identity i need to feel allowed to exist I always forget that I am an artist, that I will always have my words for company here are my meaningful conversations here is everything I fear the most

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