Maybe I should continue to think that life isn't as bad as it can. I always told people that what they were going through isn't as bad as it could get, that there are always positives. Why do I not hold myself up to that same respect? In that same area, aren't my expectations of myself supposed to be upheld to all? If I hate myself for an act horrid, why is it I can forgive others for the same? Is it an act of arrogance? Even if I do things that are of good nature, is there supposed to be some kind of correspondence? The simple feeling of help should be enough. Is that even selfish? I am constantly critical of myself for being selfish. When I do something for someone, I always expect some kind of thanks (not matirial), or some kindness. Perhaps I am just being paranoid. I still resent that impression of disappointment. A constant motif in my dreams is that of martyrdom. That I play the victim. I know I am not the victim. So many times I tell myself I am the one that does wrong, no matter the situation. Then reason tells me I cannot always be the offender. But the feeling persists. And I hate it. The feeling that you hurt someone in anyways is dreadful. But the conflicting sides always try to please others. It doesn't matter who, I always lose. And through all this my self esteem has dropped. I don't think I have much at all.. Sometimes I don't think I'm worthy enough for anyone for any purpose. and other times I blame myself for being a sort of virus on the people around me. What;s the point of this anyways?