• 2/4/05 I don't know where I am. I don't know if my own happiness is a lie and i'm hiding from my own karmic punishment. Its tiresome having to justify anything and everything about me because I need a drug to not be miserable. Every time I feel like I have reached a safe place, I forget this drug is a fucking requirement. I guess I just hate this fact so much that I continue to go along without any action to get legitimate medical authority. I never want to think about it anymore because I have obtained peace and it seems fake when I need to take pills to have it. Without these pills, I don't just lose the almost too much to ask for peace of mind, but without them I am now left in utter darkness and ruins. I can and have done many things trying to change and better myself. I have spent 1 year with my main attention on restoring a good, open relationship with God and the universe. I have done my best to climb out of the wreckage of an ignorant, self-gratifyting life of sin and secrecy. I am always fortunate for this opportunity and there has not been a moment since where I could ever ask why me. My bellief and only hope is God's mercy and graciousness. I have gained so much wisdom of life and lost so much uneeded baggage of anger, jealousy, and pride. I have learned more in 1 year with reverence and yearning for God and goodness than 29 years of arrogance, and faith in nothing acting like a fool. These things are absolutely everything to me now. I have found joy in good things. I have larned truth is allways to be the goal and dedicated everything in me to it. There is no where to turn if all this too has been a lie,. I feel as if I never have any right to complain about anything under God. I have endured all my trials and losses smiling. The past is always there to remind me of my foolishness and the future in front of me is tied down and limited in view of what could have been. I see this as a blessing. Experiencing a life of lies chasing everything but God has made thin gsof God more visible now. Truth, love, and purity shine out as the things of the material world disapear. Everything I feared losing I lost and it was good. It was also the only way to real life and happiness. This I know is not a lie. Many a cliche do ring true and I can see what truly does matter in life. I am now just so afraid that this has been revealed to me as a permanent testament to how I should have lived and what I could have had. I can see the preciousness of life and now that I really want it, my destruction looms over me. Still there is a fight in me now that will not give it up. I have waited my whole life for something while really just being lost and confused. Now the answers are there but there is price to pay to live. Its hard to break these chains of selfishness and sin. The good part is that I am breaking them and I can tell without question this change is right. I am sorry for my past but I know that I needed to experience all these things to be where I am now. I regret nothing because this treasure and opportunity to get it is so valuable to me. I really wouldn't change a thing because I am very happy with my blessings. Would a blind man who can now see with good vision have high risk surgery to make his sight perfect facing a return to blindness? Would a man knowing of a buried treasure on a piece of land not buy the whole piece to secure it. I I should get a real prescription. I am just afraid of starting down that path and losing what I have now. I dread going to a DR and watching them minimize this monster of a disease into a pretty little category fit to treat. I don't want to tell more lies to Drs to get the medication I need. I know what works and I don't give a shit about what anybody thinks is right for me. I'm sorry but I despise these Drs shuffling patients giving them their answers without consideration. I would love to have a good Dr, and I know that they are out there. I need a Dr that won't look at me as some hypocondriac thats overmedicated or an addict who just needs some good counseling. I've been dealing with this crap for years now and no one has helped me. I have had to result to manipulation and lies to get the medications that keep me alive and avoid the ones that put me in the gutter. I am tired of being the non complying patient. I know what works and it doesn't need to be changed because of some dumb ass risk. I wont be told to live a life in misery because my blodd pressure could rise or I might become impotent. This treatment is under no protocol and my way certainly wont be the Drs. way. My past is a junk yard of drugs and misdiagnoses that follows me. I could lie to get exactly what I need, but I really detest doing this now. It makes no sense This is definately much more than ADD. Sure it used to be standard ADD, and I can see how it always affected me, but these new afflictions hardly seem to fit ADD. There is no way thatt all the people with ADD suffer like this. ADD is a condition that affects productive life not one that cripples you physically and mentally. My body is this way now and it is critical. I don't care if its my fault or not, I am going to do whatever it takes to just be OK. Its not a matter of just dealing with lifes obstacles here. Last week was horrible and not bearable . I was so sick that I was in a place completely dark and tormenting. All becomes hopeless but the thought of getting just a moments peace. I hide this experience to myself evey time because it seems unacceptable to ever come back here. Why do I need these fucked up meds to not suffer? Why is this suffering so relentless and crippling? Why cant anyone seem to understand how bad this is. Its like withdrawing from narcotics but without end. I asure you that anyone would wish for death if this was to be their life. Just withdrawal with the view of recovery seems too much when you go through it. I tell you there is little difference. My thoughts become as knives that cut at me and anything I think about. I abandon myself, my well being, and thoughts of God, just to keep them safe for when I can return. Any treatment in positive living is so forced that it is fruitless and therefore excruciating. Dealing with anything... a conversation, what to watch on tv, my sick cat, throwing something away, cleaning up anything, geting out of bed, taking a shower, taking a shit or even picking my nose is an extreme chore. I sleep to avoid wake but I am in agony while sleeping too. The sleep brings a miriad of images all dealing with emotions of doom and torment. It is quite awful to sleep but better only because the time moves faster. Everything is painful and my inability to have a second of pleasure at all makes it all the worse. I can't think ahead to anything that will take myself away from this misery. Most of my thoughts are completely focused on passing through each and every horrible moment of existence. Every thought itself reminds me how terrible my life is and how I can do nothing to make it go away. Amidst this darkness, I fight myself over and over trying to stop thoughts about living this way indefinately. If it was to be terminal and constant, I would certainly want to die. Having this with me takes every bit of me away and I simply wait until I can return to peace. The only thing that keeps me going is time, but because I hardly wish to keep going and existing time becomes horrible and awful. Yet time is also my only friend, because its passing by is the sole source of nuirishment and consolation from this agony. Every bit of goodness excapes me. I feel no love for anyone or anything. I am totally self-consumed at the very time when I desire to be without any consciousness of me at all. This complete lack of charity is almost the most awful aspect. I witness this life-hating, fake-caring self and there is little to tell me that this isn't the real me. Everything I value, desire, and work for in myself appears to not exist. I am forced to consider all my appolo gies and mission statements to be lies on top of more lies. I am completely unable to even reflect on the good days prior to grab some bit of fruit telling me all is not rotton. Iin this state, because of this entire lack of substance in my (self) and life. I also cant reasonably think of anyway to start living differently or just simply except it. It is unexceptable. Its too awful. There is nothing real of me in these times and any attempts to make convictions quickly crumbles around me. I now again am medicated and doing well. I wouldn't and never will be writing feeling like I did. Right now I am so glad to be free that I am utterly happy only hours past not only depression but full despair. I again feel myself so afraid of where I just was that I cant seem to help leaving it behind like it was only a bad cold. I really don't want to recognize this is a part of me and that if circumstance should have it, could lose everything and gain a living hell. This is awful to go through but additionallyI the complete lack of sympathy makes you feel so alone. Its rather ridiculous and because I am immobolized and silent, I am actually offending others. I understand and don't get too upset but its hard to take. It would cause too much discomfort to argue anyway. I have to pretend to be OK to not make anyone notice my discomfort. Then I have listen to all the little BS things that are really unimportant considering my state. I really don't hold anything against my loved ones for this, its just a lack of any ability to know what i'm going through. All they can see is how I am acting and it looks lazy, mean, unresponsible and uncaring. Its not considered with empathy because it just looks like a bad attitude. It is my hope that what I am enduring will make me stronger in the long run. Its hard to gain the positive now. I can't help feelings of sel hatred even though I know its not my fault. I would really like to just snap out of it. I have to justify my actions and behaviors to myself which isn't easy. I appear pathetic to myself as well. I constantly wonder if I am being just a baby and my suffering is manufactured. I wonder if my whining and self pitty is just to feed my over blown self-apreciating imagination. After all, surely there are many who suffer much worse and deal with it. Now just out of it though, its fresh in mind and the extreme difference in my happiness with the meds as opposed to without is indescribable. It is a matter of being happy loving life or waiting for death as an only hope for peace It is dreadful now to thiink about the possiblity of not being able to have this beautiful life because I dont have or cant get these meds. My life will always be vulnerable this way. This is also rather demoralizing. I will be getting things together and moving in a positive direction, then I get leveled. I don't know if I can keep building this house on sand. It is also very taxing on my sense of goodness to be a lying sneak to have my normal happiness. It makes me very angry to think this is not the real me but a cover of that awful thing I just witnessed. The truth is that this is the real me or atleast the closest thing to it. I seem to not have sympathy for myself and I have to make a point to not be overly angry at myself. I must realize the me on amphetamines, is the me of life and without is the me thats dead alive. Its hard to keep considering that without feeling like I am just spoiled me me me boy. Ii still hope and pray to Jesus that somehow, someway my health will be revived and I wont need the lie of a drug to be a happy and good person. I also hope and pray I am not hiding from a wasted life that is true for me to endure, for even that would be acceptable so to not lose peace for eternity ___________________________________

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