• 1/25/2004 This thing has become an old gig but still never fails to catch me surprised. I feel as if I am stumbling through my days and weeks go unnoticed. Yesterday prooved to me I am certainly not alone. Yesterday I sat calm for the first time in the storm. Clear vision and mind, I sat and witnessed. I sat and witnessed trying to stay straight with my thoughts and not moving from influence. I went to bed which was a show of faith and trust by me. However, I seemed to get the worst that I have yet because I did no work. Still I tried to fade it out, but it was here. I had slipped away again. I don't even realize it. If you ask me at the time, I believe that the world has changed and I am the same. Will I ever learn what's happening. I truly don't know if things are accurate now or then. I think that today I have my ego and yesterday it was smothered. I don't know the forces behind it. In the calm its told as God, but I sit here and I feel raped. In the heat it feels devilish but it shakes me so much that I tear down my ego. I have run up and down, over and over, through my life. Its ridiculous, but I can not let me in me exist with false beliefs, shaky personality, unchecked abominations and abuses. I examine all my relationships and step into my body at that time. I can feel it differently and I can see the other people didn't like and often hated me. So this thing is breaking me down. I have become happy to be brought back to check myself. I know the life I have is what is best, I couldn't have gotten here by myself. Still having nothing of the world, caring nothing of the world, makes me feel like I am becoming nothing to the world. I can not look to where I am going as a goal. The sight in the distance looks awful. All I can do is trust the direction. I also don't understand how this is and how everything was. Shit went all the way back 10 years. It seems that I have just been a passenger in a car called me. Im not even driving. Then I have to sit there while the car starts driving into traffic. Then the driver turns and begins to ridicule me for getting us lost. This has gotten so fucked up, but I have to just keep going. I want cry and I get angry, my whole life as I perceived it has been taken from. Still bitching and complaining is not what I want to do. I have learned much again, and gone to look at many more things and have received clear direction. Its just hard to feel happy coming out the fog. I'm happy because i'm out but angry for the treatment. Its like what the fuck, get the hell out of my life, who do you think you are? Thats what I would like to think but I wont. Mostly the abuse comes from me. The weather brought in is true and justified mostly. I can never go back in thought and catch it in a lie. Now other things find and fill a wholes in my mind. Stupid little constructs, and templates define and make firm the flimsy. The results are making something but during the tempest I feel I am nothing, having and holding nothing. I take big hits onto my faith, and hope. Put through this over and over I felt before and I do now that these virtues of the spirit are now stronger and I wont drop them again. This is not true. Dropping them seems to become a must. The thing itself is set out as if to use hope and faitht against me. It atleast sets out in a way that ends up showing me my hope and faith are week and useless. It will use anything and everything, all you have said and say, everything you do, against you. But my faith has holes thats why its faith. Its search and destroy and if I follow along checking holes at this time, I could lose it all. Not only that, it will push and pull until I actually start to lose control over my actions. Death or hospitalizations are possible if I don't leave my thoughts about God away in the distance. If I pull this out I am liable to do anything, and for some reason I don't get punishment for not going there bringing about God. Reasons why do make sense to me now. Like Job or David God seems to be creating strength from ones witness to their own powerlessness and wretchedness. Standing tall with God seems a farse. I'm mad at myself for where my mind was yesterday. In my next attack I will be mad at myself for being here writing this and saying that today. It is always so dark in storm that I can not understand how. I'm sitting here now not understanding how I could have looked at myself as the worst piece of shit human to have ever lived just a day earlier. This happens every time. I suddenly am the most wretched and sinister man to have ever lived. Biblical pieces are thrown around in my head without my intention or strife making little warriors that set out to attack something or anything that I have faith in. These little warriors are invicible at the time and set out showing truth correcting my lies of self. They come along to something about me and start mocking it until it hides behind some bushes. They also come together making reference and drawing light to things that give apocalyptic thought and have put serious question in my head about who I am and what i've done. It quite literally implys that I am the devil made flesh. I question if I am the devil or a demon and I have been pretending my whole life to be not. Time itself seems to be under the influence or more like it is not real at all. Many times I am being mocked about everthing that is me existing, but it also seems to mock me saying that I never was apart of anything existing with a will that was always to be and always will be. It seems like watching a movie and then feeling deep sorrow for your lack of ability to have made the enemy turn his ways.. So why is there any concern or care for what I think if its beyond me anyway. Why am I continually shown how pathetic I am if this was always and could be no other way. I guess it gets angry that I start thinking that I actually am apart of my own life. I also could guess that this trial will eventually leed to my answering to the call to change. So I have grown tired and week of fighting with it. I was just as miserable but I saved myself the panic and minute by minute maintenance. I just let the ship sink. It made no difference on the results. Where it finally brings me is the same. ____________________________

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