• Well today wasn't a good day. As I had wrote in my last couple entries that things with my ex were rough. Well there was something that was a lot deeper then that then nobody, not even her knew I was and still am going through as we speak which had happened. Before we met back in May, a few weeks back in April, I had to deal with the death of my grandfather and it was a huge blow. It was just when things were starting to look up. At the time, I was starting to work on bettering myself. I had moved and I just started working on a list of 50 things I wanted to do throughout the course of the year - just google The Harder Chronicles for those of you who want to start following and then, a week and a half after moving and settling into my new place, I got the phone call that sent everything into motion. Upon hearing that my grandfather died, I was like glass. I just did not know how to come to terms with it. I did cry and grieve in spurts, but never was actually able to release how I was actually feeling at the time. I remember the days after the death, I was listening to Emerson Drive's When I See You Again over and over again as a way to cope. After we said goodbye, I carried on with my life and thought I would be able to handle it. Around this time was when I met my girlfriend and everything was beginning to turn around at the time. After a month, we broke up and I will say that it is definately the toughest breakup that I ever had to endure. Shortly afterwards, my friend entered the picture and it was nice to have some company and we started to hang out a lot and in the last few weeks, it has become totally too much. Although she agreed that we are friends, she totally acts like she is my wife and it is starting to become extremely uncomfortable. Last Tuesday, I ran into my ex from two months ago and I had to clarify that this friend isn't my girlfriend. I get the impression that my ex thought I rebounded quickly because of the stuff my friend was doing. I just want to be able to sit down with my ex and tell her what I couldn't tell her when we were dating. I didn't know her well enough to tell her about the death and how it has affected me. I felt like I could not say anything about it at the time because we just met and I really didn't want to burden her with my shit. I also realized that I did not know her as well as I thought I did. I hope we can sit down and talk about things, cause I feel she has to know that I would like to make amends and re-establish some sort of friendship again cause she is a person I am afraid of losing right now. Right now, I'm still trying to find myself and find what it is that I am really looking for cause I am feeling incredibly broken right now.

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