if you ever asked
- September 05, 2011
- artemisagrotera
- 1 Comment
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i would come running, without shame, and with joy. But what would you think of me? What does that say about me? Would you ever trust me? That’s what kills me. When I acknowledge the reality of our circumstances, despair sets in again. There is so much I've wanted to write these past months, but I'm afraid to admit or acknowledge any of it for fear that it will drive you away completely and I will have nothing of you at all. This has been going on in my head for eight months now. Do crushes last for eight months? I don't know, maybe they do if you do nothing to resolve them.
I knew this was foolishness from the moment I realized what was happening to me, and I tried to ignore it, destroy it, make it go away. But at the same time, and to opposite ends, I started drinking heavily so no one would think twice about me hanging on you. I just wanted to be close to you. I knew it was ridiculous and shameful but I couldn't stand not having any of you at all. I can tell you that finally getting to kiss and hold someone you’ve wanted for a long time but thought you could never have is the most gratifying, perfect, completely consuming emotion I’ve ever experienced. The only time it ever happened to me, I’m sure I looked insane. I walked around in a haze for days -- looking up at the sky as I walked to work, smiling and laughing to myself, stopping every few minutes to write something I wanted to remember on whatever scraps of paper were in my bag. Those first weeks were pure beautiful delirium, and I think not many people are allowed the opportunity or have the capacity to know how that feels, and those that get the chance are fortunate. Twice in a lifetime seems unbelievably lucky; there must be a price.
I think if we could spend time together as friends, this would be easier to control and it would run its natural course, whatever that may be. But not seeing you at all makes me miserable. Maybe if we spent more time together, we would realize we are really meant to be good friends, and we'd be able to look back on this and laugh about the time I thought we were in love and it was the end of the world. Or maybe something completely different would happen. I don't know. But I can't circle you at a distance forever, and I can't bear to have you do the same to me. It's going to drive me to do something terrible.