• 1/13/05 Sitting here again. Only one week priour I waas in the hospitalt know how to feel, Should I be Happy for what I found or sad for what I lost. Shall I follow silent commands that speak loud one day and slip away the next. What is happenning? What am I now? Have I done wrong? Is this right? I think I will wait. Yes, this is the mood. I am beaten and bruised with no one to console me. This makes me stronger I say. I have nothing else to feed the pain to.I am stronger today, this true. I am wiser today, this is true. God is somtimes haed to see, and i'm confused ometimes I wish this all brought hate but even if it did it would make no difference. I choose to come along and do my best and trust God to take care of me now and bring me to where he wants. I must be silent observer learning with humility and patience. Prayers for me please...because this is not easy. May I pray, can I pray? I have fear for all and especially myself. I don't think its right sometimes but I have to trust were this is going. If there was not something better for me than God would just let me be alone where I was. Every beating I take, I secretely keep score and hope my points will earn me the kingdom. Tragically it clearly doesn't work this way. It seems all or not. In not it sometimes feels real bad and other times I can ignore. But I hold onto knowing that I am becoming. I grab his hand and follow . Still fighting my tears hoping he wont see. There is no whining in this game. The truth revealing truth and tearing me apart. It feels good but makes me feel bad. I guess that is why I keep picking up these pieces. It seems to be ridiculous the way I just pick up. But left waiting I must live and living brings back the old. I want it gone, but I know I need it. I am it and it needs to be taken care of. Tender care is all I can ask but I will not get. How can something that feels like torture create this love. Fear and love have fastened together in myself. I think that maybe I must lose this fear. Is it the fear that chains me down? I want revealation. I need to know if i'm coming or going. Its hard to not look beyond oneself.. I can touch this and see this yet I seem to be alone. Impossible to relate, I would have never known. I am sorry that sometimes my only hope makes me turn away and give up hope. I'm still here though just face down. Waiting for a better day to catch up. I walk alone and drown out the cold by singing a happy toon. This skeleton is all thats left but its still walking along. Why? Make me whole please, these bones wont do. Week again I think i have learned something. I lift my had up and look ahead with a smile. No more hiding behind see-through masks. Thank you Lord Jesus, I can not look away from you. I hope that my time away from my house has allowed you to do some cleaning. I feel very bad for inabilty to move. I can see the subtle way this works. I leave open and you take away for me. I look forward to a better day to draw some inspiration but I will not hold on for I know my mind is feeble. How delicate these gifts are. What do I do with these gifts, it feels tragic to lay waste. I hardly want at all anymore, mostly I just want to bring peace to my unselfish love. which seems to hurt as much as my love for me. Through the gain of this joy, but also brings much pain for this. I would like to keep this. The hidden messages talk about many things, but I really cant let it tear apart my love. But yes, my love can be withought connection for loves sake. Just take me away trust and carry me love. My faith speaks so bold, it wont give in. My faith carries all the hope yet strides aside trust. Faith must relax to allow this trust to become real. Never losing hope but I must relax. Cant keep griping faith and hope. it is choking me. I can feel it. Letting go of thought, holding onto my love, cleaned conscious, keeping secure and warm in my trust. Saying now trust God and be taken away. Take my burdens to the Lord for some ease. Thank you Lord, this opening was not clear before. I feel light again. I feel the gifts within and I look forward smiling. I stop for a moment to appreciate and congradtulate. Change is not easy. * Just remeber tht sometimes change takes time and patience may be needed troughout the process.* ---------------------------------------------

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