I love this girl. She is beautiful. I want to hug her forever and kiss her forever and drive around town with her listening to Bon Iver forever. I want to tell her i'm in lesbians with her (literally). I want to kiss her forehead then move down to her eyes then kiss her freckled cheek. I want to call her, or better yet, go to her when a scary thunderstorm shakes my house.
But all this won't happen. Its only in my head and will probably stay there. Forever.
You might say "Just do it! Just tell her!" but before you say that, know i'm a coward. I'm a coward when it comes to spiders and thunderstorms and especially when it involves telling people my feelings. I'm a coward who won't admit her feelings. I'm afraid of relationships. What they might do to me. What they could turn me into.
But its weird. She kind of makes me want to hurl myself at her. Yes, hurl. Give her all that is mine. Its a scary idea, but i want it.
And then i'm taken back into reality. A relationship will never happen with her. Stop daydreaming, silly child.
She just came back from touring two weeks in Europe. In those two weeks that she was gone, i was bored. No, bored doesn't begin to describe it. Just know i was walking toward the light. All i could comprehend was the feeling of something missing. Her. I missed her. I missed her! I MISSED HER! I MISSED HER SO MUCH IT WAS AN ACHE FOR HER TO COME BACK!
Yesterday night she texted me she just got back. I wanted to run to her house and clomp her with a mighty monster hug and tell her i long for her. And tell her i love her. And tell her don't leave me. Did you miss me? Did you think of me? At all? But then i came back to reality and reasoned that she is probably extremely tired from all Europe had to offer. So i texted her a humble 'Glad you're back. I missed you. Goodnight.'
Tonight i saw her for the first time in two weeks. She was as radiant as i last remembered her. I longed to wrap my arms around her and cuddled her til the cows came home. But i didn't. And instead we went shopping for some food for her. So we took my car and drove to the nearest hy-vee. I asked her all types of questions about Europe. She said she had a good time, but she "just missed America and my friends." Does that involve me? Did you miss me? Did your heart beat faster when you saw me? Did you hunger for my unique laugh while you were away? If you answered yes to any or all of them, could that mean you love me as more than a friend? Cause i answered yes to all of them. I love you.
As we were putting the groceries in my trunk, out of bloody nowhere she happily chirps, "We're like a couple" And then she giggles. She actually giggles that girlish kind. Oh, it all kills me.
I could tell she was still really tired because she kept yawning all night, her speech was slower, and she started to talk kind of quite. All those things were not like her. As we pulled up to this really long stop light, she puts her head on my shoulder. I marvel at the sensation of her on my skin. Then i put my head on top of her shoulders. And 'Wash' by Bon Iver comes on. And we stay like that. What comes to my mind is the line from the book 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower'-"And in that moment i swear we were infinite". Then the light turned green and the world continued to to carry on. Unknowing of what was happening inside my head.
We unpacked her groceries at her house and said out goodbyes, promising to see each other soon. I plan to keep my promise. As i drove back to my house, i realized i could have done something more. They say there is always something to improve on and that moment in the car, i could have improved the situation at least sixty percent. I could have kissed the top of her head. Nothing too profound, nothing too serious. Just a friendly kiss on the top of the head. God, I'm an idiot. So caught up in the moment of /feelings/ i didn't get the job done.
So i'm stuck here, typing of this damn computer consumed by lust for the entire night.
I don't even know if i want to move on to that kind of relationship with her. Two years of friendship down the drain if/when it ends. And don't get me started on rejection. I probably won't peruse this because i'm a responsible adult who knows when enough is enough.....right?
Oh, and if you actually read this. Wow. Just... wow. You deserve something. Pat on the back?
This is stupid
- June 20, 2011
- neatocheeto
- 3 Comments
Add your thoughts
3 Comments
-
I have read this many times, and just now am deciding to comment on it. Well for starters, I am 16. But do know what its like to be afraid on rejection, afraid of saying my true thoughts and emotions. But in order to feel happy, or content or to make the stiuation change, you have yo speek up. The worst thing she can do to you is say "No". And if she does, then you always, always have your thoughts! I believe you should just opt and say "I love you" like in the middle of a sentence, see if she notices. I really hope this peice of advice helps. GOOD LUCK!
-
I think you should tell her too. I hope it all works out! :)
-
I enjoyed reading this AND posting twice to get my comment to stick. Go for it. Dont be afraid of rejection. Life is too short. Be happy!! :) Good luck!
Add your thoughts
Log in now to tell us what you think this song means.
Don’t have an account? Create an account with SongMeanings to post comments, submit lyrics, and more. It’s super easy, we promise!