• one morning she woke up believing in love and the next she woke up holding the ashes a fire once burned here, terrifying and beautiful it painted her world in the darkest crimson red orange heat wavy outlines and steam and smoke until all of a sudden she only shivered and cold and darkness swept over everything so that all the lightness seemed beyond gone, almost as though the very concept of sight was a part of her dream at first she felt desecrated, like an entire battlefield of slain men had replaced her soul she couldn't move or speak every time she tried to think, her mind froze coldness from the lost drenched her skin and bones twirled a nest in her hair and just sat she tried very hard to fight the feeling, pretending she was not shivering behind her smile wishing that the heat and passion she saw on movies and real life still belonged to her and sometimes, when she became most careless most caught up in the fabrications of her friends lives she was able to forget all about the fire forget that there had ever been a time of light and warmth and safety and that really she was a good girl and she would be alright without it but then came the nights where all her memories would swell and drone like a swarm of bees inside her brain and she cried out loud hysterical sobs just to try and fall inside but no matter how hurt she was and how much she missed the fire he remained entirely indifferent for a year this went on the girl lived a pretend life of forced smiles and mysterious sadness while the fire had let himself burn down into something that couldn't warm even the smallest most pathetic creature, not even someone as scared and desperate as the girl and then one day, the girl finally realized she had to make a decision she was just so tired of sobbing, so tired of living for something that no longer existed she had to start a new stage of her life that embraced the cold and darkness, that was free of needing something else at first it was really terrifying she had always counted on her thoughts of the past to keep her safe when she felt lonely now she could no longer allow herself to feel the dull ache of regret dwelling in her bones many times, she wanted to go back to dreaming but some self preservation instinct stopped her and through that time she learned something very important about herself :even more than she wanted the fire back to comfort her, she truly just wanted to be happy and so she dug down into the cavern of her soul and cleared away those dying soldiers to reveal a clean field of grass, fresh from a new season she planted flowers to bring color, blue violet pops of yellow, bursting from the thriving ground she organized her bedroom so everything had its place she thought more about how lucky she was to have such a loving family and less about what other people thought of her slowly but surely, she built a new life for herself, until finally all the coldness and dark was once again removed except this time, the warmth and the light were not from an outside source not from someone who could break their promises, who could burn out and disappear no, this time the fire came from inside her, and she finally had a solid place to stand on she had transformed a broken heart into a thing of love and capacity it was only now, when she could take a step back and look at all she accomplished that she realized she was very close to happy

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