• It's been two weeks since he told me that he doesn't have much left to say to me regarding us persueing a proper relationship and about 10 days since i totally pissed him off - yea it's taking time I am trying to forgive myself and move on and in his words 'leave me be' but he's still there in my mind and in my heart. little funny things i want to email him. I wonder if he chucked my daisy plant I wonder if he knows I am sorry - I wonder if he knows how badly I would even appreciate an aquaintenceship. I deleated him from facebook so I wouldn't tempt my self into stocking him, so my activities or posts if they are sad he doesn't need to see that. I am trying to give him space. Yesterday I saw him rideing his bike, the other day he was at the studio and he forced a hello - but it's like we're not really seeing eachother like we are cardboard marketing cutouts. I am in a realationship I want out of I told him everything about it and he told me to be patient and he'd be there for me and it would all work out everything in good time he said his dad says that. I was gonna leave this guy in July with his friendship it seemed like it would be a touch easier with the hope of openly dateing it was a rainbow at the end of the storm. Now I just exist putting off the plan I had before I met my new now old now ex friend. I know to be my authentic self I need to start anew and say good by to this guy had been committed to for so long - here is the thing - he makes me feel like i need to appologize for being myself. i see so many double standards. i feel like we live in the 50's it's his kingdom and i am this 2 dimentional charactor. we've never done anything together. i feel so alone eventhough i have a partner. what's self sabatoging me is my morbid nature. I keep thinking like i am gonna die any day and it's nice to have company. Even though i am not 'in love' any more it's something i could teach myself todo again - because life is so short. Can you teach your self to fall back in love with someone? Or will these irreconsilable differences present themselfs later and suddenly we are two years older and I am revisiting the same decisions oddly enough the same reason to not do anything 'lifes short i think i might die tomorrow' is the very reason to do something like my origional plan. OR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Does everybody end up in this powerstruggle relationship where you get bitter when the other one is spending your hard earned money - or that you have to be one way around one person (your partner) and anotherway around your friends? Even if you've known the partner longer? See the friends i have now are newer and we are not too close i mean in the way that i don't really burden anyone with my narcisim hence the journal (btw i am a terrible speller especially when i am purgeing) so i have no roots with anyone my family is far away and is a disfunctional blended family. My partner is not on the same wave length as me and the whole time we've been together i was content in trying to please him and persuade him that i was fantastic. This past year i realize i don't relish that or care to convince him or me any more - now he seems a little more warm and careing then before!!! before i had little credibility. I am at this place in my life that i realize i creat my own world and sometimes there are things in our lives that we wouldn't nessisary invite in today if it came knocking - so what to do? It's not the 50's people don't stay together forever???? we never did have children I think I know what i need to do god i love this journaling

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