• ahh, songmeanings, we meet again. good to be back. i guess this will probably be like most people's journals. ramblings, stuff about songs, etc. i'm really just here to talk about the music i like, write in a journal everyday, and kill time. comment if you like, whatever. this is for me. sooo, big surprise, my first love has been on my mind tonight. i've been trying to block him out after a minor fling we had about two months ago, and it's been working, but tonight, it just hit me. HARD. he's been in and out of my life for five years and it's just so hard to let go. he has pretty much done nothing good for me, only hurt me, yet i've turned down or not given my all to so many guys who offered me devotion, honesty, and love. why is this? why do we, as humans, love the people who repeatedly hurt us. beg for the ones who ignore us. cry for the ones who laugh at us behind our backs. i don't understand myself. somehow, i see some shred of good in him, that even he doesn't see. WHY WHY WHY!? i try to go out with guys, get into relationships and "casual relationships" (if you feel me there) to forget him, and it works, but i realize quickly... I WILL NEVER LOVE ANYONE MORE THAN I LOVE HIM. and it hurts. all the dates and sex and guys who tell me i'm beautiful won't change the fact that they're not the one i love. i wanna believe this will fade, and i'll get over it slowly like i have in the past, but everytime i do, right as i'm almost completely over him, he comes back around. and here we go again. what to do, what to do? i don't have much more in me.

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