• the desk is clean and the halls are quiet if you didn't know you never would have guessed i don't look like the kind of girl who would i am quiet and shy i blend into walls in corners sometimes i amaze myself with how well i disappear but the truth is, if i had my way I'd have kept the colors in my hair it just ended up not working out something about a metamorphosis i am now playing a part i no longer fit i have never believed in excess i am always calculated, i think ahead there are times when enough is enough enough sleep, enough food, enough crying alone in your bed it amazes me that there are people in this world who seem to know no boundaries they just consume no thought involved not every action has to be painstaking 100 dollars of chemicals keeping me wide awake i didn't need it i didn't even really want it but it was there and it was offered so i took it that's what i used to think i would always do given the opportunity, i should have gone overboard but i didn't realize the way that all the ups and downs change you when i was tripping, it wasn't introspective it was weird and obscure and for the longest time i just had no idea what i truly wanted we wandered for hours, a band of magical nymphs casting waves to shake lakes and winds to sweep away everything fleeting moments everchanging time will go on no matter how you push or resist it i did neither i floated on my back until it carried me to the shore maybe its weakness maybe its just the cost of over analyzing to a point where i have nothing more to say on reality towards the end though, i had a moment millisecond clarity just one complete thought happy and healthy and strong and calm the perfect balance these were the things i needed to collect in order to feel okay this year has turned my body into a wasteland once upon a time, i was strong and motivated now i can't remember the last time i could run i am weak and i feel it my stomach knows it it won't let me eat it fears that everything i don't need will spread like a virus to the rest of me i have lost 5 pounds of strictly muscle mass there is a need to recondition to convince myself that throwing up is NOT normal that recovering a few pieces of my old life might make my new one a little easier "you ruined everything"he told me once i laughed at that what a lofty statement like one single person could possibly carry that much blame like i was willing to tote it around on my shoulders until it crushed me and i had to go running back i didn't ruin everything i didn't even ruin part of it my memories are all separate, isolated incidents as time has passed, the screaming has silenced its the love and laughter my mind has embellished upon most i miss you i always will i hope you'll tell me if things get not okay keep going keep trying and eventually time will take us to the shores of everything we ever worked for

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