• Somebody once told me that the you in your head and the you in the world are essentially identical. No matter how blaring the differences seem, its completely irrelevant. If you walk around with a smile and tell everyone you're happy, it makes it so. The less you allow your consciousness to dwell on the inside, the better actor you become. And since no one can see into your head, no matter how many different ways you try to explain it, thoughts become secondary to actions. You are who they say you are. You can't be the big man on campus unless everyone agrees you are the big man on campus. This goes for everything. You can't be the sweetest, prettiest, most interesting girl no matter how much you lie in your head. Reality and truth is a shared perception. And finally, instead of fighting, i decided to just dive in. When I was younger, I wanted only to be invisible. I noticed something very important about the way people work: flaws stand out much more than excellence. If I woke up early, did all my homework, dressed in the outfits from magazines, i could simply fade away. The me in my head dismissed the world, like it was a place i was only visiting. I didn't know how to be any sort of self, so i hid instead of trying. For years I lived my life like a science experiment, denying wants and fears. I was as close to perfect as humanly possible. And still I wasn't happy Falling in love is the connection that dragged me out of my head. Suddenly, someone thought i was better than ordinary. That the person i hid for fear of being strange was present. I existed. I was here and alive and for the first time i loved it. I made friends. I started fights. The schedules, the bizarre sleep hours slowly drifted away. i found myself normalizing. Falling into the patterns of gossip and unkindness of everyone around me. When i hurt inside, i dismissed it. Being alone was terrifying, because that was when i thought the most. When love left, i felt simply useless. Long gone were the pieces of me striving to be invisible. I had felt something beautiful and it had led to a train wreck. I became submissive. I followed. I assumed my wants and desires were definitively wrong. I had messed up so bad existing the first time, all my confidence collected and ran away. That was when i started writing. When the me in my head and the me in the world seemed like total strangers. There are horrible names that come with being a plaything. Slut and whore weighed me down in a way i still can't grasp years later. I felt hollow and weak. I was bored and helpless. I needed somebody to save me again. I returned to love with an attitude of gratefulness. The need was understood. You were almost doing me a favor. I don't know how we got so lost and twisted. We were young I guess. Maybe it was too much hope. We lost control and again the spiral shifted downward. This time it didn't hurt as much. I had braced myself for the fall.

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