• sometimes i envy girls who havent had boyfriends. i sometimes wish i that i didnt. i mean i love my boyfriend but when things go wrong i think about how stupid it all is. in a year he will graduate and i wont. he will go to college and i wont. we will inevitably break up and i definitely dont want to marry him so what really is the point of being in a relationship with him ? why put myself through hard times with someone that in the end wont ever matter to me again ? why waste myself on him ? i wish i could take everything ever back. i want my first kiss back, my first more intimate moment back, my virginity. i'll probably regret this all when im older. i wish my life was a book. i wanna read the ending, and especially rewrite so many moments. and i wanna know why you lied. if you needed a day without me then i would have totally understood. i wish you would communicate with me instead of leaving me in the dark so that i end up crying myself to sleep. i really am so confused. i was so unaware that i did anything so bad that it warranted just ignoring me completely. like i get that high school and shit is all a test run for real life but real life is so far away (and yes i know its not i think about my future constantly i know i only have two years until college i have everything all lined up i look at the big picture im not delusional) but really all this stupid effort and pain isnt worth it. being lonely would be better than going through this stupid relationship crap. but im so dependent on him. and its so dumb to be attached to a person that isnt in my real future but i cant help it. and when i think about breaking up with him i literally stop breathing. its so irrational to be so in love with him. but everything about his good side is so enticing and so easy to just love. he brings me in and fills me up. i feel like hes apart of me. i just dont understand what this all is. life is dumb. just really it is dumb. but he will always be my baby.

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