• i've been so good, for so long. and now i'm a little not so good for a little while. i'm hatin hating on my body again with its scars and cellulite and ick non perfect, no uglyness. and i'm hating it, hating it, and i'm so convinced that W will too. and i don't even wanna think about that, coz look how long it took me to be comfortable around you. and i'm feeling so fem all the time, so fucking feminine, and i can't strike a balance between fem and butch, and i can't feel comfortable in myself, in the way i look and the way i dress. i figure, maybe, the only way i will, maybe, is to shave my head and bind my breasts. maybe maybe. but then i put on my floor length hippy skirts and look like a girl and feel good and pretty, same as i do in a waistcoat and shirt. i'm so confused. always so confused and tired. so tired. and i can't decide whether to txt you and tell you i'm writing on here. and i hope you had funwith wallis (: she's so cool, but i'm so shy around other people, and she's just so cool that she kinda intimidates me. i want to change myself and become good. but i don't know how. i don't knw how to change. and the bruise on my arm has almost faded, but the horror, the terrible feeling of that, that time, that insanity is burnt into my mind.

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