• recently, she had been thinking a lot about matter the way things took up space in the world blocking, pushing, working against her it was so hard to get everything organized the books in one hand, the bag in the other she hated dropping things, that terrible loud crash on the floor the eyes the failure, shame she didn't want to be noticed like that she hated the structure, the solidity the way her body seemed so dense she wanted to float and glide she wanted to disappear and again with the matter, not just in the physical sense nothing besides objects seemed to matter,that is she couldn't grasp it intangible concepts like love and hope and happy weightless elements not like the ache that felt so physical and heavy a cape of i'm fine and nothing's wrong draped about her shoulders because realistically, she was fine there was no reason to complain but still she didn't care about anything motions and existing "i am so lucky" she decided to live in a world of social norms watching and imitating a blended life lie a spectrum where nothing mattered more or less than anything else eating a banana is to writing a manuscript we live and then we die and in the end, we will all be forgotten she didn't want to live really, but she didn't want to die either a trooper to the core maybe someday it will get better, or at least just stay the same once upon a time, she believed she was happy more than anything in the world she wanted to go back to that what she needed was another soul somebody to bind herself to and feed off of if she could find a person willing to hold her heaviness for a while than maybe she could discover a lightness hiding underneath

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