• That was the second time, in so many visits to Jay that I’ve left crying and I don’t know why. It would have been nice if you would have told me Edie was going to be there. I didn’t mind so much, but. Fuck I don’t even know. I love you so, yet I never see you, when I do I just break down, you get so busy, and we don’t talk so often. I’m sure it’s just all the year twelve pressure, but is it? And the paranoia kicks in. I just don’t fucking know, why, on those rare rare occasions I get to see you do I get so sad that I want to be alone? What’s going on? I don’t want us to end, I don’t want us to break up, and I don’t know why but it’s in my mind. I guess, maybe it was a larger part than I care to admit, that it was Edie, you guys are so close, you’re almost like a different person around her, you basically speak in a secret code of inside jokes. I’m not jealous, not at all. I just guess, I kind of feel that I’m not so important, I don’t really remember what last summer was like, you being so busy and all. I DON’T KNOW I JUST DON’T FUCKING KNOW AND I WANT TO, OR MAYBE I DON’T. I JUST FEEL LIKE I’VE LOST MY GRIP ON EVERYTHING, SCHOOL, FAMILY, AND YOU, THE MOST IMPORTANT CONSTANT IN MY LIFE, AND I FEEL LIKE I’M LOSING YOU AND I DON’T KNOW WHY, THERE’S NO REASON, IS THERE? I hate that I am constantly on the verge of tears, paranoid, always questioning. And the sex thing, don’t worry about it, today definitely wouldn’t have happened, not with Edie there, and your fingernails so long. This wave of tiredness just hit, and I want to give up. I just want to surrender myself fully to the tears and the sadness, but you aren’t here to hold me, and bring me back, and my ‘knight in shining armour’, well, he has no credit. I’m going to sleep now. Then wake in darkness, go and post this, research for my long overdue draft, and I’ll tell you I’ve written this, but you’ll be busy doing your photography. And, I have a feeling, that all I’ve just written is an excuse, an excuse for some fear that’s hidden so deep down that I can’t vocalise it, even access it.

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