• IT seems when I have the holiday or friday feel I am less personal and genuine than when I am stressed out about a 5 page paper at 8pm the night before its due. I make a list of all the things i want to do with my free time and I feel myself walking right past people and not caring about them whatsoever or in other words I value this time sitting in front of the computer emailing people far away more than the people that exist around me. I love to write people and get mail, but sometimes I just need to exist and be mindful of what exisit around me rather than looking so much to the future. Again it all hangs on the hindge of starting my day off devoted to Christ and being mindful of him all day long. SIGH. Then I do it again and again. And look at the food im about to eat as the fulfillment I am looking for. Then stand tehre with my salad in my hand while Danny talks to me and he can see it in my eyes that I relaly want to eat this egg salad rather than stand and talk to him in the dining hall. he knows then there's the dead silence after his comment to me and its saying to him that I dont want to be talking to him I want to be eating this salad because it 2 and i havent eaten since 8. Then we walk away.......i get to eat my salad and I walk out of the cafeteria heavy but not fulfilled. Then I walk through the union and stare at the groiund so I wont make any eye contact with the people I come upon. Its my own insecurity that I get a glimpse of another person's eyes and dont requite them with a smile. Its the worst emptiness that I can so easily jump back into my own body to dodge a relationship. I come back to the room to find an old MP3 Cd. Alanis. Oh what truth this song brings me.......Thank you silence.........thank you terror........thank you disillusionment.........thank you.......The moment I jumped off of it, is the moment I touched down.............How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out..........I wanted to be in the city in this song..........i wanted to be studying abraod...........I wanted to be anywhere.........around a few..................Thank you Christ for forgivness...........what can i do with forgivness.........maybe revolutionize me life in the queitest way.........maybe come to terms with myself.......maybe shoot myself in the head like Tyler Durden..............Yet its the most beautiful thing..............I should work as a janator............Christ is great and I should lose myself............................just like John the Baptist........... Now I reach out and touch people in passing but can i take it to the next step..............and how do i continue a relationship...........even with another guy.......another brother.....teach me how to be humble.............humble.........Thank you humiliation.........thank your God for my acne in high school..........thank you God for my embarrasing moments.........and thank you God for being dumped and rejected..........thank you for this moment

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