• i was happy for a while there, things were ok, until well today was good, but then i got home and well that was were things went tits up. i had an amazing time today, it was fun sure i was unwillingly jealous at some points but who am i to say who she can and cant talk to, i love her more then anything so i have to accept its her decision, i just cant help it if it hurts me so much to be so close and not kiss her, when that feeling is there that i shuld lean in and i dont, fucking hell im a dickhead. Then i get home and guess whose waiting for me, not a raging mother or a raging father no, my oncologist. He's in the living room. he sat me down and told me that even though he gave me good news yesterday this was still a possiblity, i was like wtf happened? he told me fuck i cant even write it here not until she hears it, i swore on my life that i wuld tell her eveything first, and im going to stick to that it hurts so much she hasn't responded in like 2 hours im really fucking scared so scared in fact im tempted to call her up and get raged at completely but i almost have to do it. I have fucked up i know i timed telling her i had something to tell her terribly, i tried to stop myself but it kept popping in my head tell her you love her dont hold anything back from her. i fucking hate it i love her so much and i may have just fucked things up for good.

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