• when i decided to come to miami, i truly in my heart of hearts believed this city would rock my world i saw beautiful people with big bright smiles, celebrities, alcohol, any drug at your finger tips so i said yes i didnt think of matt i didnt think of me, the old me, as a i was, the girl with the rainbow hair i just sAW THE PROJECTION LIKE A FLYING STAR AND I JUMPED OFF THE EDGE OF A CLIFF TO GRAB ON and i caught it, i did, but only by my finger tips clinging, clawing, begging it was so hard and draining, took so much work to stay young and beautiful i hadnt thought about the superficial or if i had, i assumed i would fall into it, like a clear blue stream of utopia but just because i had a tight gymnast body and a few pairs of designer jeans, didnt make me beautiful without the hours of effort, without the long brown hair, i was so ordinary and in miami, ordinary doesnt get you shit but since i was trying, really really trying, i got in by luck and determination i went to the clubs i flirted and danced but all i could think of were my hurting feet and how at home i could wear fucking flip floops and jeans to a club if i wanted and have the night of my life in miami, though, you dont go to clubs to dance you go to debut your new american apparel dress and steve madden death heels so all the grimy promoters can whisper in your ear about how sexy you are and you fall away into the fictitious and suddenly i woke up one day and realized "i am living the life of my dreams and as it turns out, i didnt want this after all" who you are with is more important than where you are, always if someone says they'll love you forever and they mean it, you should stay even if its cold and boring where they are because now im alone and drained of effort adderall is the only way i can think about schoolwork, the laughable joke that we're supposedly here for and my friends dont know who i used to be and nobody has hair with rainbow colors so ill fall and fall into all my words and scream watch the sky with the voice in my head because i miss you and us and being loved but my only option is to fake a smile and admit that i was wrong

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