• Back from dance class. I needed to hear something uplifting. Come home, do the dishes (god forbid they actually be done for me..jezz) And I pick up the leash...time to walk my greyhound. Im not 10 steps out of my building. I run into my good friend from the same building..."come on lets walk". I let her talk...I listen patiently. I nodd with the odd "yeah...I hear you". Shes just so damn nice. Why are these bad things happening to her? I feel bad for her, and her hard times and afflictions. Money is an issue. Damn...what the hell is this world coming too? I thought canada was seeing the recession behind us? Everyone I talk to ..is out of work, laid off..or just not getting enough of it. Bloody Hell. Half threw town now (we walk fast) She asks how I am. Before I know it...Im vomiting up my issues to her. Im crying, and getting so fustrated...I didnt mean to make it out like I was being "difficult" with her. I am just passionate. Anyone who REALLY knows me...knows Im passionate.More so than most women.Im a passionate cook. Ive been known to make a lasagna...and throw the whole thing in the trash...because the layers didnt LOOK right. Ive been known to trash cookies...because they were too brown on the bottom. think of Chef Ramsey in the kitchen when something isnt perfect. I used to be like him ...all the time. Now..Im older, and realize that is GOOD money and food im throwing away. Also, its a waste to the worlds resources. Ive mellowed...but I tunnel this passion towards other things now. You should see me scrapbook. You should see me dance. There is passion. I must have been a dancer in a past life. (not that I believe in that shit) anyways, I went on and on about change. How I need to step up and make changes. My mindset is slowly changing. Some days...are better. Some days are not. Period. Those days...I want die. Bi Polar? Any relationship breakup is like a rollercoaster ride..up and down...and I havent gotten off this fuckin ride. It keeps passing the "exit"...and I pass it at lightening speed...go up..to travel always downwards....Im so cried out, and vomited so much..Im left dead. So I curl up on the floor of my box seat..and just pray to the all mighty..."please kill me, make me stronger to endure this...or let the rails break..and let me fall". I miss him. There is no doubt. I know what I lost. I know what I want. I know what I can no longer have. Acceptance is something...that I believe for ME comes slowly. Ive never swollowed this breakup easily. My therapist told me, shes only seen a few cases like me. Dedicated to the end..stubborn as a mule, beliveing that things will "somehow get better". Im like a continual optimist. Fuck me..stupid. I dont see the signs. I dont accept the signs. I can read into things. I shouldnt. They were NOT meant to be read in too. That Ive changed. anything recieved...is NOT read in too. I cannot. I will not. Its a protection sheild of sorts. If I dont exspect anything....how can you get let down? Exactly. So its life as it is. Survival mode. Im getting that itch to break free and dance. I heard way to much good damn music at work..and bouncing my feet is NOT going to satisify me. WISH I could turn the TV off...throw DH a bone out in the street...and throw on my stereo and turn down the lights and start dancing. Think of it now.. Ive danced that way years. I moved out when I was 16...and started dancing in my apt. Perfecting routines with friends. Bitting moves off Much Music videos. THen it was displayed on the dance floor Friday and saturday night. (sunday too if it was along weekend..) Ive had more supers knock on my door.."turn it down please" that never stopped me. Nope, I got wicked headphones, with a really LONG cord. :P I danced so hard...every night...till I sweat, and was out of breathe. Something so theraputic about it. That and the eliptial was theraputic. I listened to the music and lost myself..and just moved to the beat..and I was in another world. Standing beside any speaker..(very very loud of course) and Im lost. It could be utter shit on there..and Ill dance to it. (well, to be reasonable..it has to be danceable) Ive danced to Erohouse..which Im not a fan of. Italianhouse..again, not a big fan of. (we called it gino music) But, I danced to it. There is something, about closing your eyes...leaning your head back, swaying to the beat..and letting the bass be your heartbeat. My body just moves. I dont know what its really doing most times. I trust it. Sounds Concieded?Think of it this way: A dancer, just knows the beat...her body knows how to move to it. A pianist...knows where the keys are. The black and whites. They dont have to second guess (once they are practiced) where to place them for a E or a G. It comes to them. A cook..after a while knows a teaspoon by eye..compared to a tablespoon. Thats what I mean. I also, tend to sing while I dance. My friends always say "your such a good lip sync singer". I know the words. Theres the talent of listening to something 2 or 3 times, and "Ive got it". pitch and tune and words. My little simple talent. It can be weird singing like I do on the dance floor...but I dont give a shit. Its part of being one with the music. Throw a few drinks into me...well, there is something to be said about the exsperience while your tipsy. Tipsy...is where I have to keep it. I go any further..and it goes downhill. Songs listened to tonight: Tonight - Baba Kahn, Kardinal Offishall, Fatman Scoop Tonite - Addictiv mixing into Dance Like There's No Tomorrow - Paula Abdul & Akon Sensual Seduction Remix - Robyn & Snoop Dogg Just Dance - Lady Gaga, Colby O'Donis & Akon Forever Remix - Lb & Jhoni Forever - Chris Brown ** SO LOVE this song....oh man!* Dangerous - Akon & Kardinal Offishall Taio Cruz - Break Your Heart ft. Ludacris DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love- Usher-- totally LOVING this song tight in the club. Rihanna - Don't Stop The Music ( oldie but a goodie) Rihanna - Hard ft. Jeezy - I dont know why I love this song. Its so DAMN tight. Full of attitude. Confidence.(the video sucks..) Rihanna- Only girl - Love love this song. This is THE THE bomb! This song I need to hear on club speakers and dance too. monster lady gaga-- this track is tight. Still so new.Still growing on this one. Club Can't Handle Me- Flo Rida ( still thinking how I feel about this one) Carry OUT- Timbaland and JT-- I havent slowed down in loving this song. Ive danced to it so much. I should be sick of it already. I suppose its the speakers and the bass...it just sounds so SICK in the club. that and the oozing attitude and sexiness of it..it screams "dance to me". Excellent track. This will stand the test of time, in my humble opionion. Sean Paul - Fire Brigade - Wine it- SO FIne- So love Sean Paul. Always had a weak spot for this fine artist. ( hes always singing about Fire..haha) He comes on the speakers..and Im instantly happy. Always on my mind- Sean Paul- Slower track...But so sad. the Lyrics Reminds my loss over David. Not all dancehall, is about screwing and having a party :P

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