• Oh GOD Im doing what I NEVER do. Writting this shit at work. 2 minutes...is all it will take. Friday. the end of the week. I had vivid dreams of him again last night..but woke up refreshed. Is the lord trying to send me messages via dreams? Is the lord punishing me? Im still chewing on that. I crave him so bad this morning. his voice..is all I will get. His stupid answering machine. That machine now have a relationship. How pathetic is that? :) its all I have, its what I will take. Im nervous today. Im on edge. I dont know why. All this shit going on ...yeah, that has to be it. Has to be. Ive recieved 3 emails with "are you coming?...are you coming?..you gotta be there..it just wont be the same without you!". Why? Why not. What the frig is so speacial about me? Oh ...well, lets see...I pretty much will dance to anything. So..they will always have someone to "dance" with. It could be death metal..and I would turn around and smash my head to the wall. I welcome the pain actually. he says he was hitting himself. Im sure that stopped. It had to have stopped by now. Ive never ever had anyone physically "hurt" themselves over me. I didnt know how to react to that. Its not really said to someone to FLATTER them by is it? I was more in shock and horror. I pleaded "PLEASE STOP". God..he was treating himself so badly. I pleaded with him..that I wasnt worthy of all that pain he inflicted upon himself. He didnt NEED to inflict pain. I was here. I could have made it BETTER damn it. I would have made it better. He never gave me a fucking chance. Why does he have to be so stubborn? hes like a mule..hes like a pitbull...he has something in his craw..and he wont forgive..and try to make things right. He wont let forgiveness in. He has to be the most stubborn man Ive ever met. But... It doesnt stop me from loving him. no Instead..its another characteristic..that I admire. weird? I dunno. I dunno alot of things anymore. God..how can you love someone so much, still...and all this shit is going down. I keep telling myself mentally .."you better get ready for a bomb...or ready for nothing". I dont know what Im going to get. talk about fear for the unknown. I keep waiting for the nuclear bomb to fall on my head...I know its coming. ahhh this is HELL. HELL I tell you. :( well, its been more than 2 minutes. Time to get back to work. I must work. I must focus...whats focus again? I havent focused in 6 months...Its been a blur at 100 miles an hour..

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