• today, has been a hard day. Hard in work..hard over all. Ive had red teared eyes all day long. Ive been blaming it "allergies". Its not. Its tears over David. Im a fucking mess. Im a wreck. today I buckled. Im so freaking weak today. I picked up the phone, and dialed his number 2 times. I hung up. I cant call him. He never answers the phone anyway. Whats the point? It only angers him anyway. Thats when it hit me. This is fruitless. Am I seeing the glass half empty? yes...I am. I tried for 5 days, to see it as half full. Fuck that. Im stupid. Ive got the writting on the wall, screaming at me...my resistance isnt that strong. Its been 6 days. Im tired of pretending, everything is going to be "ok". I mean..ive got to wake up and smell the fucking coffee. The man is GONE. GONE. GONE. GONE. Ive tried to be optomistic. Ive tried, to be positive. Ive filled my time, with everything. Booze, clubs, staying home and cleaning the fucking baseboards with a toothbrush..while I blare music in my ears I ring after. I cook, I bake. I walk..I walk some more. I blogg...who the hell reads all this shit anyway? really. NO ONE. I dont fucking care...Im so bloody mad at myself. Im such a fucking fool. He thinks hes a fool. Well, fuck me. Ive got "idiot" on my back. Im tired of waiting. Im tired of pretending I dont love him. I do love him. Is that such a bloody crime? no...its not. Hes NOT perfect. Last time I checked...nor was I. Nor was anyman Ive ever loved. Nor anyman Ive met. Im so mad and sad..and defeated, and pissed off, and lonley. this Morning was horrible. I actually had to ask the boss to leave my desk for a morning "walk". I NEVER do that shit. I NEVER DO THAT. I mean, Im the most desk bound employee in the work force. I take an extra 10 minutes at lunch, I stay an extra 30 after work, to make up for it. Dumb? yes...thats me. the "fool". so I walk. Im walking down Church...and some lady passes me, and says "nice day". I said "no its not. Its hot and Im miserable, and depressed". She just stood there shocked. Fuck it..Im tired of being all "nicey nicey" all the time. I said what I felt. I walk onto a path and I stand there and Cry. Im so fed UP with crying. 6 months of this shit. Where are all these tears coming from? where? Why so many...damn it..Im a bundle of tears. Combined fustration, and lonliness. Will I ever get over him walking away? Ive never been the kind to let me feelings show...but latley, I have no self control. To hell with my pride...these tears fall like rain from my eyes. Loosing faith? Have I bumped my head? What do I expsect from him? Some "yes yes yes". If so...that would have come already. How long does it take to make a decision about a meeting? Im thinking, either you do or your dont. What is it taking so long? So, my mind starts running. He has another woman. It makes sence. It has to be. hes invested in her, and Im a "after thought". well, fuck me till Sunday. I couldnt even think, of being with another man. not now...god NOT now. I had some weirdo email me ..hitting on me..and I got offended. I dont know why I got offended. I just did.I got so offended I closed down the MSN account it came too. Is it some weird thing..that I feel like Im "still his woman"? Its obvious, Im not his woman. All this time, and space...hello (bangs head on table) your NOT his woman. Maybe, I should allow someone eles to love me. I cant even entertain the idea. I would fall apart. Im fucked up enough now...put a new man in the mix...and Id might as well jump. today, I walked on that path, and gave myself a good stern talking too. "hes gone, STOP exspecting the good, STOP wanting what isnt coming your way...you better prepare to let this man go girl" I talked like that in my mind, as I stomped down that path, with tears streaming down my face. I didnt even notice the fucking heat. I was HOTTER than that searing heat today. I was blowing off steam..and I was hotter than hell today. Emotional? Look it up in the dictionary..youll see my photo there. So..I walked back to work. Face all red...face all puffy.My boss immediatley asked me what was wrong. I told her partially the truth. My dad is going for blood tests, and xrays...he caughing up blood. GOD ..my dad is sick. hes a heavy smoker...has been since his teens..and hes caughing and weezing,..now caughing up blood. I am freaking out. If I loose him...added with the loss of David...I KNOW...i CANT TAKE THE LOSS. I KNOW Im going to break. I cant loose 2 men in my life, that I loved so much. never in my life, have I had so much on my damn plate. These last 6 months..have been hell for me. Hell for David. At least he doesnt have to support a kid. At least, he doesnt have to live with a monster...and watch out for his temper. (which Im changing...)I have stress too. Seems everyone thinks Im so fucking strong all the time. My friends, my family..."your so strong you know..I dont know how you do it". well,...IM NOT STRONG. I pretend I am strong. I say "i dont need to hold your hand". So...its a lie. Its a fucking lie. I eat. I eat for comfort. if that doesnt work...Ive turned to booze. But..now, even that cant be used. My liver is not that strong. Let me tell you...some nights like tonight..I could use 4 shots to take the fucking edge off. So I walk. I walk and walk and walk. I hate WALKING. Its good for me...yes. But...thats not what I mean. I feel like a zombie. I feel like the world is flashing around me..and Im frozen in ice..and I just sit there. I have no control. Thats what this has to be about. Control. I just had an "ahh ha" moment. I cant control David I cant control his decision. I cant control My dads caughing up blood I cant control my daughters smart mouth (shes 8 going on 13) when she gets angry I cant control that slipper that gets flung at my head...not until I leave this house at least. I cant control, my emotions that flood over me over all this shit. So, I want to feel numb. I want to run away. If I didnt have my daughter...let me tell you. ID BE GONE. GONE GONE GONE. Id be SO GONE. God..Ive thought about it so many times. Getting up and leaving my "good job with benifits". I feel like Im chained to a desk..at the ankles. I mean, I have to stay in this job (that I do love..its a good job) but I cant move. I cant go to Newfoundland. I cant go anywhere. Im stuck in this shit smelly town. Im lonley..with aggressive people, and men who are cheap. Im so fucking lonley. Ive never been so lonley in my life. Ive never been this lonely. I tried to clear my head. I tried to clear my thoughts...and all this baggage that still exsist. the only blessing I have left...Is not knowing what david and I could have been...shoulda have been. Money means NOTHING...when you are miserable. It means nothing, when you have no one to share it with, build a future with. Buy a home with..paint those walls, and buy furniture. Money doesnt make you happy. Nor do porn sites. Nor do chat lines, or talking sex with people over the net. So many things, people do...that dont make us happy..but we do (or used to do) it. Were all lonley. We are trying to fill holes. Some people have lonliness licked. Lucky bastards. I wish I knew their secrets. Im so damn negative. I hope hes suffering, as I am. Pretty shitty thing to say huh? well,...fuck it. whats the point anymore. I wish and pray all these good things...and I feel like I have an IV in my hand..and the lock is open..and Im dripping blood on the floor. While Im bleeding on the floor...Im waiting. Waiting...will anyone notice? Will anyone understand? Im sitting there, and Im dying. I thought I was dead...Im not dead. Im at that point...where Im still alive..and I FEEL everything. I wish I were dead. At least...then, you dont feel shit. Everything is numb. I wish I wasnt alive..so I couldnt feel all this draining pain. All these thoughts that scream to me "your not good enough for him..what made you think you ever were?". All these thoughts of him making love to another woman...giving it to her like he gave it to me? Sour? Damn right Im sour. I cant see a man that looks like him...without getting my heartrate up. I had a guy open the door for me recently who was like him. Hair long, in a pony tail, soft spoken..brown eyes. I walked in...and froze. I was fucked for the rest of the night. I see him everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I see "ARIZONA" cans in the supermarket..and I want to KICK it down while I scream "its not fair..its not fair". Im a bloody mess. Im pathetic. Thanks for those of you, who have tried to comfort me...dont bother. No words are going to make a difference. No "im sorry you feel that way, it will get better" are going to work for me. Dont bother. He says he gets reminders of me. really? Is that so??? well...fuck me. You dont have to have reminders. Im HERE. Face that demon. Because, Im facing mine. My demons of him are everywhere..and Im falling apart. Im trapped inside of this pain. Knowing that he NO longer Loves me is what hurts the most. Love. we had magic. Him and I ...were magical. I never forgot. He did.But I didnt. .Long distance is hard...but its NOT forever. we were so close. We were so bloody close. This october, he would have come down. It wasnt a "chain him to the bed..you can never leave" deal. No, If he only wanted to try for a few weeks..or a few months..it was fine. It was his call. He was in control. But no we lost the fight. We lost the majic. We could have been amazing. I know it. I felt it. I envisioned it. now...its gone. The love is gone. Not hearing "i love you" fucks you up...lett me tell you. A person, can only go on for so long...and they get bitter. How can I live like this? I feel like, somehow hes leaving me neglected. He doesnt owe me anything. No care. No concern. I dont want his prayers...I want him. I dont want his thoughts. I want him. I am preparing myself to bail. I have too. Hes preoccupied. Im an afterthought. I have to be..there is no other exsplaination for this. Ive lost him .I lost it all. I have to swollow that tennis ball once and forall. I thought I had.I thought I swollowed it. I didnt. I only thought I did. I have to learn to have a thicker skin. I have to learn to be a fighter. I have to be strong. I have to grow from this. I have to get the attitude like I used too. I have to become hard. I have to build my walls up. I have to be wiser. All In due time. But not tonight.

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