• Typical Saturday...seems my life, is an endless exsistance of routine. It gets old real fast...combine that with a broken heart, lonliness, anxiety and Im a bundle of nerves. All I want to do is walk. Walk..Id walk or drive to the ends of this earth let me tell you. It seems to be the best way, for me...to sort out this existance some call life. Some would say, and I would agree..Im only exsisting. Breathe in and out, wash, work eat and repeat. No smiles, no laughter. Sleep doesnt come easy. Depression, sadness..and seeing Davids eyes and face everywhere. I dream of him. Its always been that way, but more so...absence of him, is killing me. So, my body compensates for it...dreams. Vivid dreams..some I will not disclose here, some I swear I have kissed him in real life...I wake up, and I can literally taste him. Ive officially lost my mind. I knew that 6 months ago. I cant see an Arizona drink can in the supermarket...with out crying..or wanting, to dismantle that display case...and smash it to the ground. I saw 2 Arizona licence plates recently on a trip out East. I sped up...and stayed behind those cars. I trailed both cars for several hundred klms...why? because, they were vehicles in the same state as him. How stupid is that? How crazy am I? Im following cars...because, they are in his state? Thinking, perhaps, they drove on roads near his house. ive officially..lost my mind. am I obsessive. Most indeed. I know I am... For the life of me, this man, is unlike anyother Ive had in my life. Hes so different, than the other men. SO DIFFERNT. I will not go into all the differences, ...but its those differences, that attract me to him. Like a moth, to a light on a hot summer night. Hes unlike any man, Ive ever loved...and he not leaving me. Why? Why? Can I not just leave him like the rest. GOD knows..I have attempted. its not working. I dont know what Im doing wrong. Am I destined to be with him? Now..or in 30 years from now? Is he my soul mate? SOme would argue that all together. What is it? what is it? how is it...that he has been able to walk? How? because I cant. I dont know if I can...Ive attempted, only to be like a child attempting to walk. I continually stumble and fall..over and over. Im tired of bleeding. Im tired of hurting. Ive never felt or hurt like this in my whole life. He is my nemisis. I am finding little help in music now. I only gravitate towards slow sappy songs...that make me end up crying..while sitting on the kitchen floor while, I hold a vegetable. I have no appetite. I eat to live...or I survive off sugar. I drink Lemonaid now. Ive never drank Lemonaid from the can. I always made it from scratch. Its my new addiction. Its non carbinated..and flows down my throat at mock speed...all while, I try to quench a thirst..that I can never quench. I call it my "liquid fat". sugar turns to fat...and Ive got to be bringing on an extra 10 pounds doing this...or Im going to make myself a diabetic. Im pathetic. I know I am. You dont need to tell me. I went to the dentist today, and I almost enjoyed the pain. Now...i know how transfeering the pain from my heart...to my body, feels. I am going to watch a movie...and try to feel numb. Only 1 drink tonight..and let it be a strong one. I have really laid of drinking...I know it upsets David. My drinking upsets him...as much as a website he gave up for me. I will admit...ive craved my liquid hammer. the hammer, that allows me to feel no pain. the hammer, that allows me to forget his face...if only for a few hours. The hammer, that allows me to sleep initially. That hammer has got me into knee deep trouble. Its not a good thing...liqour. One drink cant hurt. Not tonight...not when I miss him so bad tonight. Not when I really need to see his face, his smile. Not with an decision that is incoming for me. I pray for his decision, to be positive, and a yes. I pray for it. why is my heart..and my mind screaming the opposite? Why are they saying...it will be "no..your a fool girl". Wheres that drink....God do I need it. "From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart" "Never look back," we said How was I to know I'd miss you so? Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind Where do I go? And you didn't hear All my joy through my tears All my hopes through my fears Did you know, still I miss you somehow [CHORUS:] From the bottom of my broken heart There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know You were my first love, you were my true love From the first kisses to the very last rose From the bottom of my broken heart Even though time may find me somebody new You were my real love, I never knew love 'Til there was you From the bottom of my broken heart "Baby," I said, "please stay. Give our love a chance for one more day" We could have worked things out Taking time is what love's all about But you put a dart Through my dreams through my heart And I'm back where I started again Never thought it would end

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