• emptiness. that recurring feeling that follows you like a shadow. it doesn't matter how much i show my nice guy persona cos no one seems to care. mind you it doesn't help when i can't speak up. nearly every time i'm in a public place like a mall or on a bus etc., i encounter things which i often feel i'm never going to have. last wednesday an asian couple (don't think they were married) were making love in the set of seats right in front of me and when you're in the middle of a lacerating unsuccessful schoolboy crush on a girl you were going to see sporadically later that morning, it's not the nicest feeling in the world. and then those enraging words kept running through my head again: "no wonder you've never had a girlfriend." every day it seems to invade my cerebral functioning and it makes me feel like a loser. there are times when i seriously struggle to look at myself in the mirror. i'm the definition of ugly duckling. too skinny, scruffy looking face, hair that was all over the place, while in the middle of all of that are my blue eyes that i inherited from my mother. she reckons that when i was a little boy who was even more timid than the already shy version of me, and i got close to one of my teachers at pre-school, she nearly cried because of how i was looking up at her with those eyes. sometimes i feel i wasn't actually capable of doing that at all, as if it was mothing more than a morale-boosting story that was nothing but fiction. after all, how could a kid so shy he never played with anyone at kinder steal someone's heart like that? mum said that it happened again a year later in my first year of primary school (grade school for any americans/canadians reading) when i decided to sit up the front row for the first time in my life. did that ever happen? or was it just fiction? i still have dreams of snuggling up to a pretty girl virtually every night. i'll admit it, i'm a dreamer by nature. i'm the dorky 18-year-old beanpole who likes to look at clouds when i'm in the back seat of the car and dream of drifting away to an alternative universe to be with someone who actually appreciates who i am. so i'm gonna end with the chorus of the beautiful rhcp song "my friends" to lift my spirits and that of those who are sacrificing some of their time to read this: "i love all of you, hurt by the cold; so hard(?) and lonely too, when you don't know yourself"

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