• One- Faith Hill I havent been able to get this bloody song out of my heart..my mind, and from coming out of my mouth. I sing it all the time..and I find it so darn catchy on so many levels, and the guitar hypnotic. I find songs...often say, which I have such a hard type communicating. Often I communicate...but way to bluntly..or I say No..when I really meant "YES"...in fear of being the only person,...who feels that way. Its amazing..how women...(NOT all of us) but from what Ive witnessed..will sometimes, say what we believe the other person really wants to "hear"...with it not really being what we FELT. totally highschool...totally. Some of us..dont get over that hurdle. So, we say or write..what we want our lover wants to hear...or what we think they want to hear. So, we stuff our feelings down..and just pave the concerete over to make it smooth. Trouble is..those feelings, are there. They never left...they were never exspressed. They simmer to the top....and you are left, feeling "unheard"...because, you told the person,..what they thought they "needed" to hear..or you said it..so you never pissed them off. Complicated? Totally. Inmature? Totally...But I know people do it. Im not sure why 100% I do this shit. Its I who ends up suffering in bed at night..crying...because, I let things get so out of hand. Tell me these lyrics are not beautiful. I tried with all my might But still don't understand why we ever let it get so out of hand My arms are reaching out and holding on tight To what has always felt so right It's hard to figure out the answers to the questions When both our lives are going in separate directions CHORUS: One is breaking into two And my heart is turning blue And you still don't get it, do you, do you I thought we had all the love to go it for the long run So before the damage is done Let's start back over at one Lights out when every evening used to get so hot Now we got so damned distracted we forgot How to lock the world away and just get lost in where you end and where I begin Love is strong but it's so easy to divide So boy let's think about how much is on the line Im missing David really really bad. Im totally WORRIED about him as well. Im weak...like a lamb, who has walked away from her shepard. Im lost...and said "I dont need to hold your hand"...when In deed..I meant the opposite. (see above). To much friggin drama? your damn straight. Doesnt mean I dont love that guy still. With all the shit that has happened in a 6 month span..why is it..some hearts never let go? Now ..for the first time in my life, I understand, how somepeople can love ex's for years..even after they have moved and re married. Some people, meet their ex's years later..being divorced..and re marry that "lost love". I can only dream that would be my fate. this man, impacted my life..more than he thinks he did..and more than I told him he did. Im insainly jealous over him. I freak when he looks at other women...let alone, when he talks to other women, when it comes to women..and him, I see red. Now..Im not violent about it. But, Instead, I get insecure..and ask "what have they got..or what are they talking about, that he cant talk to me about?". My self esteem, takes a kicking..all while, I reach for him. The attention he did give, was recieved...but, not appreciated to its FULL potential. It was appreciated. JUST...needed to be more. let me tell ya...if I knew now, what I had back then...I wouldnt be crying over spilt milk. I worry, because, he has so much going on his life at the moment, I believe he might "break". he has mentioned....thoughts of suicide. I dont believe, or he says "he would never do it..as a christian". But the fact that the THOUGHT is there..is enough to send my alarm bells off full circle. I dont beleve in people saying things of a suicide nature..but following it up with "but I wont". Ask any parent, or lover...of a dead loved one..with a note..and they will say in some cases "I didnt think they were serious..or ..they mentioned it..but, I didnt think they would do it". This is what I see. I see a cry for help...but with a "I will be fine" at the end. Well...why make the statement to start? So...Ive decided to ask my parents for money..to go and see him. He may very well, stand at the door and slam it shut on me. Im exspecting me to be standing in his residence, with me ringing the buzzer..and there being no answer. Just like his phone. This man, never answers the phone. Now you know why Im getting worried over here. If It takes me 2 days,for him to yell at me, to vent all the anger and resentment...and hate and pain, I will turn my back and let my back be slashed. I deserve it totally. He has walked away from his relationship..with me having the blood on my hands. I know Ive hurt him. Ive hurt him deeply...where he says there is no longer "love" there. No forgiveness, to be found. Id like to know..can termendous care...be a form of love? Somemay argue yes...but he wont say it..most will say, its care..and nothing more. I believe without forgiveness, the pain, and resentment and anger will consume a soul..and kill it. He is not the man, he once was. I am the blame. I will take the blame. However, I have reached out my hand..in the effort to rebuild him. Not tear him down..as he is convinced of. Only with Forgiveness...can healing begin. When healing happens, then life can once more be enjoyed. My feelings, are so mixed up. I feel stranded, and like a lone soldier left in the field..with my helicopter..in veiw miles away, from leaving me. I feel infected..for various reasons. NOT him..but threw another avenue. I also feel the Devil, has infected my realtionship with him..and took advantage of the thousands of miles between us..and the years since physical contact. I believe it is possible, to still love someone 100% with the absence of them.AS long as there is hope of seeing them. The heart is a complicated thing..and it knows no borders. No limits. Your mind remembers everything..and holds on to scents, and images from years past. Ask any army wife...she will tell you...time passes slowly...time may come between them, but ...she doesnt love him anyless. Ive asked myself...why him? why not just move on? I have in the past. But, never with success. Why is it...that women can date men over and over and continue to date "bad boys" or losers in a looped pattern? some would argue we 1) subconsciously are looking for our fathers. 2) we like the opposite of ourselves. We like that "rough around the edges" man...that makes us feel good 50% of the time, even when the other 50% of the time is aweful. bad Boys..are also known to be fiercy over protective and jealous over them..and most females, love that. It makes her feel very "special".Caveman days? I would say so. But Let me tell you.Its a loosing game. Your heart is empty, the walls have holes and dents...and you get tired, of ducking from his slipper coming at you. So, you stand up when you can to your "bad boy" (and Ive dated at least 3 of these losers) when you feel its "safe" to do so. God forbid, if you slip..because,..you had better prepare. That is where I find some understanding in the song Eminem - Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna I heard that song..and I cried. I found parts of my life, was in that song. I had one ex that reflected this song. The passion and intensity we had when things were good...was what songs were written of...BUT, he had an ugly side, he would tell me, that if I left him..hed jump from his roof.No one "left him". Then, he said..that if he went "I would go with him"(I'mma tie her to the bed And set the house on fire) It would follow with "im sorry" rings, and necklaces, and roses..and money. He threw money it at me..I never wanted for anything. But...it was false. Money, doesnt make you love someone. But with those actions of over protectiveness, and jealousy...a woman, can be tricked into thinking its "love" and that she must be so "special" for him to act that way. the intensity...can be mistaken for love. I had another Ex...who when at a club..when another man..whom I had no IDEA was dancing behind me..so, he decided to go at him with it. We were all kicked out of the club..but, I was furious at the violent action he took. I remember him saying "no one sizes my woman up". I remember at that moment, feeling like some grade of fucking "Beef". anyways, I saw his temper. It was hot..and he was SO insecure. I would have a guy just glance at me in the mall..and he would accuse me, of 1) knowing him and not telling him or 2) initiating it. This small "event" would balloon ..into a full fight. He would yell at me so close to my face I was spat on. So, I got up to leave. He grabbed my arm..that I had bruises on my arm for a week...he grabbed me that hard. But, I never called his bluff...this loser hit his mother, 3 days before our wedding. I knew at that point, I couldnt marry this animal. This bad "boy" was not going to win. I brought my 2 brothers with me, as they sat in the coffee shop..as I handed back his ring. I told him..if you punched your mom...your going to kill me. He stalked me for a long time after that. I had to end up moving, and living with family, and I had people from work..get rid of him from across the street of my job. The roses eventually stopped...with the stupid cards of "I love you, I wouldnt hurt you". bad boys dont always WIN. I can name at least 5 of them, in my life who didnt. The DH I live with now...was originally kinder the rest. But..over the many years, I have fallen totally out of love with him. No sex, no nothing. Just...a child.We share a child. We are like housemates...however, he still believes he "ownes" me. Because, I am the mother of his child..I am to cater to him. Cook, clean, ect...and if I back talk..or get out of line..he threatens me with shit like "Ill take her, and you and your family wont find her again". Or..I get the fist threw the dry wall. I have spots where his fist has come at me, and Ive ducked. He wont let me patch them..as it serves as a "reminder". What a crock of shit huh? so, Im making plans to once more, step out and leave this Decemeber. I need to be with a man,...who loves kind and gentle. that man, was David. Who blessed my life 3 years ago...and I havent regreted it. He is not a bad boy. He is a soft, christian, kind and gentle soul. A Pacifist, a smart intelect...who challanges me..and still shows love at the same time. My rough "edges" were hard on him. I didnt know any different..in treating men. Ive always thought love was a boxing match...but threw David..I realized it isnt, and shouldnt be..and that threw him..I could have been given the chance to see what a softer and intimate love would have been. He is the reason...I believe in passion, and love. He is different..he believes he is the underdog...but, I dont think so. The meek shall inherit the earth...and the meek, normally out stand and last the longest, I have found. He is a man, that in the first time, has made me want to CHANGE and become a BETTER woman. There is a first. Ive never felt I needed too...because, when you are in a "love sport"...i always had to wear boxing gloves for survival. He is the first man, whom Ive been able to disrobe, and take those gloves off. He is the man who "see's me". He sees me for all my good, bad and ugly. He see's my stubborness, he sees my insecurities, and my pain. He is my protector. He makes large choices in his life..even to recent, to "protect" me, which meant a huge sacrifice on his end. He worries for me, as I do for him. He is a person, of feelings...that is uncommonly seen intodays world. I am NOT used to it..and therefore miss it. I know I wouldnt miss it...if I could see his face/ deal with him daily. He is intense in feelings and emotions...that It often flys over my radar..and I miss it all together, only catching it days later..when its often too late. Hes a loving person...whom, when he finds her ( what a fool as I?)...is going to be loved beyond anything, Im sure she has ever known. He is accepting and patient. Kind..and gentle. this is why, I am still and I believe will stay in love with him. I feel in love with an angel...how often does that happen? He has made his decision to walk away from me...my sharp edges make him bleed..and he cant take the pain, that I inflicted, or my rash or my quick to anger ways. I am the lesser person. My qualities are CHEAP to come by. Tons of women, can sew. Tons of women, can cook and bake and clean,..and work a full time job, and do the budget. These are qualities that millions of women are doing now..and they do it just as good, if not better than I. No, I believe it is he..that is rare. I was kissed and touched by an American Angel.

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