• its been three days and i can't stop thinking about you this grief rolling like marbles in the cavity of my chest i know its so undeserved i didnt know you, not really i should't be allowed to cry jess can cry, ben can cry, nicole can cry and i should just sit here and watch our whole town mourn and say "the girl who died? no we weren't ever friends" but i cant its so hard you were so young and beautiful and loved i keep seeing your face in my head, smiling at the dance i never thought to pay closer attention after all,its not like when you meet someone you think to yourself "treasure this moment, just in case" I feel so grateful i had that one night i think thats whats making all the difference there was a memorial tonight that i didnt go to i thought about it all day and after reading your wall tonight i know i made the right call it would have just been so disgustingly blaringly wrong for me to walk wanting to hold matts hand and crying while your whole family was crying too i dont belong to the circle of people who truly loved you i did not plan a future that you were ever a part of my grief is so strange and impure i feel like its personal i dont deserve to cry, to diminish the tears of your sisters and friends i have asked myself many times if im actually mourning something else, but the answer is always no for once, this is not selfish i cry because i am sad you are gone and because my heart truly goes out to all those this has broken in some small way i want this to change me i want to remember feeling this sorry no one had a single unkind thing to say about you to me that's such an accomplishment i know if it were me inside that car, the hurt in this town would be so much smaller i want to be a better person you inspire me, just by leaving behind such a sacred presence i hope you are somewhere safe i hope jess and nicole keep writing on your wall and i hope that makes them feel like you're not completely gone rip mellissa stay beautiful

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