• She sent me that message, the one about a certain boy not being able to face up to possible sexual feelings or whatever. Hang on, I quote “scared to face potential feelings, classic signs of being scared of your sexuality.” Which made me think, I kind of just fell into this, I think, I first realised, at one of Gee’s parties, maybe the beginning of last year, when I fell, what I thought, was madly in love with ell. Erggh. Such a mess. I unno, then I kind of just accepted that I liked her, that I liked girls, maybe one, maybe all?? and went back to getting with guys despite how much I liked her. And then time just trundled along, and eleven months, one boy friend and so many unfulfilling random hook ups later I met Jay. At the beginning I wasn’t sure, I remember flirting with you on fb, that first night, and being so confused, was I just flirting coz I knew she was gay? Or did I maybe like her? I think that night, the first time I commented on her wall, something banal, I don’t even remember, I had no idea, and then we started talking, yadayaddayadda… and look were we are seven months later. Still though, I’m not sure what made me fall for her. These days I know I like girls, and the idea of guys is weird and strange, but part of me is curious, could I, would I ever go there again? And I want to know, but not right now, someday. It’s kind of like, will there be other girls after Jay? I have no idea, I don’t even want to contemplate us breaking up, but I kinda want to know, I want to be certain about it. I can’t force it though, I’ll work it out one day, I hope, but I hate being kind of like…. Am i? do I say I am? Or use that dreaded label ‘bisexual’? it really shouldn’t matter, but it does to me. Like me and jay, we plan our wedding, our future, our home but there’s still a little part of me that aches to be part of that suburban husband and wife, two kids and an SUV sort of life. But then again, I think about it, and it seems weird, I can’t image a wife, or a husband. i’m just not sureee. Ah I don’t think this makes any sense.

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