Unrequited love. The story of my life. Happens every week when I see this girl and I can't stop thinking about her. I managed to sit near her, though not next to her, on the bus on Wednesday; even just getting in her range feels enchanting.
One problem. Big one. See something out of the corner of my eye and sure enough there's a picture on her phone with what appears to be her boyfriend. Don't know if it is, but if so, then I think I missed the boat a long time ago.
Later that night, I get into bed, last year's words of a real macho classmate of mine run thru my head:
"No wonder you've never had a girlfriend."
This keeps running over and over and over in my head for hours. Nonstop. I start cryin' myself to sleep. Just quietly. No sound. But no less painful. This, it occurs to me, is my first taste of heartbreak.
"It isn't meant for me." I think to myself. "It's meant for everyone else but not me. No one likes a nice guy."
People are out at clubs and here I sit typing this journal, cut off from the rest of the world.
I'm 18 and male. Not macho in the least, but I don't care. I've got a nice guy kind of persona and it always leads me to nowhere. Doesn't help when I don't speak up. But that's what this journal's for I guess.
Still, I won't change who I am. I tell myself to lighten up. Surely someone will appreciate who I am one day...
I'm autistic, very, very mildly, but autistic all the same. Doesn't bother me. I want to remain uncured. I've got my own world to wallow in when I'm alone and down. I'm the sappy guy who's always fallin' in love with girls from anime like Fabia (Bakugan), Maylene (Pokémon) and even Shizune (Naruto) and I indulge in these fantasies coz I got nothing else.
I got memories, I got shit. Apt words, great song. E-Ved knows how I feel, which is great coz no-one else seems to.
If anyone's reading this, and I doubt anyone will, I just wanna say thx for taking the time to hear, or rather see, what I have to say. It's very personal for me, I would never mention this stuff face to face, but I know that people are going thru the same experience and I want to make other people feel that they can relate to it and not feel locked away.
This is the first time in my life I have ever put these thoughts down on anything outside my own brain, and I have been keeping these thoughts locked up for several years, so I'm glad I can finally get this stuff of my chest.
I hope you enjoyed reading what I have to say, I'm wrapped I've got the chance to share my story with the world and other SongMeaning-iacs. Gosh, that last bit sounded crap. Can I call you that?
Peace love understanding 'n' music XOXO :) (apologies to any guys I might have creeped out) ;P
I got Id, I got memories, I got shit, I got nothin'.
- August 07, 2010
- feminist92
- 3 Comments
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3 Comments
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you will find the one to appreciate you no doubt :)
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you will find the one to appreciate you no doubt :)
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WHAT IS IT YOU REALY WANT?
DECIDE, AND TAKE THE FIRST STEP, OR YOU CAN READ WHAT YOU HAVE
SAID AND WALLOW IN IT, ITS MORE IMPORTANT TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF,
TO KNOW WHAT IT IS YOU LIKE AND WHAT YOUR TALENTS ARE, I HAVE BEEN PLAYN GUITAR SINCE I WAS 13, I BROKE MY LEFT ARM SO BAD THEY SAID IT WAS GONNA STAY LOCKED IN A FIST WITH NO USE OF IT,
$8 DOLLAR SWAP MEET GUITAR WITH 4 STRINGS,
IT WAS JUST "FINGER" EXCERSIZES,
UNTILL 4 YRS AGO, IN 1 NIGHT I STARTED SINGING AND PLAYING MY OWN SONGS, I DONT KNOW HOW IT HAPPENDS, I HEAR IT AS IT WRITES ITSELF,
AND IT IS MY DEEPEST EMOTIONS AND ITS FOR ME FIRST,
TO EXPRESS MY EMOTIONS WITH MUSIC GIVES MY INNER ME A STIFFIE,
FIND YOUR INNER "STIFFIE" AND IT WILL MAKE THE OTHER THINGS FALL INTO PLACE,,,,DONT EVER FEEL LIKE YOUR HAPPY HAPPY DEPENDS ON SOMEONE ELSE,,,
PEACE,LUV,GUNS-N-ROCKETS
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