• For the past three or four weeks barely a day has gone by when I haven’t cried, wanted to kill myself or had that fog hanging over me and a that sinking feeling in my stomach. an appointment with the doc is well overdue but I can’t bring myself to make that call. I hate the humiliation of leaving his office with a tear stained face. But I am just so fucking sad. I want it too stop, but I’m not too sure how to make it go away. For nearly every minute of every day I want to cut, my arms ache from old scars and feel the need to bleed. I feel phantom blades tracing across my wrists. The old scars on my side, my stomach and my legs, they become worry stones. I rub them and feel comfort. I want to cut, and when I do to cut deep but I lost that ability long ago. I miss those cuts that bleed and bleed. The calmness, the exhaustion that follows cutting. I shouldn’t idolise it, but god, it’s good. Today though, has been good, I’ve smiled and laughed and wasted the day. most importantly though, I haven’t wanted to cut, I don’t feel that sinking feel. Please let today finish on a good note

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