• there is this notion we are always meant to be comfortable pain, sickness, and distress are all dealt with as problems it is not acceptable to hurt we are always searching for a solution and this is not the first time i have thought this but a few days ago it occured to me like a revelation that i do not have to care about my life and it is my choice as to whether or not i even want happiness if you live your life as a ghost everyone else will sculpt you into what you should be you can convince someone you love them, that you will save them, that they can fall asleep inside you and inside feel only the emptiness of a shot off cannon the explosion is missing the effort has passed and lies become your only instinct make me, break me, they're one in the same im a lazy dancer when you move i move with you i felt so sick and i still lived i sat through hours without looking at numbers there were television shows involved i know that means im fading when i can still cry over a make believe life and hang up the phone without flying backwards boys will always want me girls will always use me we are all replacable that makes my non existence ok i am going to college in exactly a month even though it goes against the nihilistic attitude ive adopted, im going to write every day i want a document of my floating so one day if i decide i want to own my life again ill remember who i used to be before i left it and then i'm sure ill reconsider i am my own worst enemy i nothing me there is not space and words anymore i am just unthinkable

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