• My fingers feel hollow and look pretty as I text Ali; 'I don't know, I'm depressed, bipolar, whatever. No big deal, I'm invincible, of course.' But I know she will reply with her dose of healthy reality that I swallow down with a grimace, a feature that helps the mouth to salivate in order to rid itself of the horrid taste. I do this thing where I take huge breaths of air in order to somehow clean the horrible feeling in my gut and chest. It can only cure so much though. I wish it would just get rid of it all together. If it would be so kind as to do so, I would breathe everything away. He was in my first entry, and he will be in this one, he was in my thoughts then and is now. I have more stock in this. More. Stock. There was once a point in time when he and I exchanged emails, about love, it was during the spring, a year ago now. We were talking about love and how he wanted a love that lasts forever, a love that is always there, that will follow him to his grave, and I agreed in a manner that I did too. I secretly wished I could be it for him, and him for me. When I wrote those silly words about love, I wrote them because I thought of loving him as I did it. Maybe I can't do this anymore. I am so confused and frustrated and it is getting too crowded in my head, but my medication keeps me from taking a vacation. Please, please, please let me get what I want. And I thought maybe you had when you got me, but maybe I misinterpreted the whole thing anyway. Maybe you just need what you had before; a friend you fuck. I thought you were real when you told me the one good thing that came from that was that you realized what you wanted was me, but you keep turning around. This dizzy, dancing game is starting to wear me out. I think you are taking advantage of the fact that I will always be here, and that you know that. I wish I could make you feel the way I do right now. Not permanently or actually, just let you walk in my shoes for a while. Maybe it wouldn't even matter. I want to get back to where we were, but how long will it even last? Why am I the only one you have done this to? I feel anger rise in my chest as my heart speeds. Maybe if I was slut who annoyed the fuck out of you or if I started treating you like dirt you would care. This is all wrong. I can't even properly describe how I feel right now, my emotional gas tank is overflowing when I just want to be on E. I want you to fucking love me.. Goodbye. ~no quote.

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