• it wasn't horrible but it wasnt love when i shut down, when my whole chest cavity is colapsing i find someone elses words and i cling to them like a life vest it wasnt horrible but it wasnt love in my head, the whole ride home i say it eyes bleeding water, normal conversation buzzing im sorry,but i cant come to the door right now i am stuck inside a quotation i wish there was a way to make people see inside your head all i want is to undo the zipper and say here:take it all in notice the heartbreak notice the effort please make sure you really take a moment to absorb it through your skin i have a secret and ive already told you just for the record, i really did mean it when i said i would do anything to make you love me when i had you, even in minutes or hours i used to feel special i used to believe so hard in our forever we had a plan in words we had survived miles just to seperate again and now i dont know how to pick up the pieces when you yell at me, i can only tell myself it was never love its just too much blame to take otherwise i just cant conceptualize having the ability to viciously tear apart something so vulnerable i didnt do this to us you didnt do this to us so who then, who in this whole wide world is doing this to me? if i truly believed you would come back, i would cut you out of my life not answer phone calls or texts craft myself a playing field but the problem is i know how good you are at compartmentalizing the parts of you that cant live without me have already been crushed by the parts that can i am no longer necesary i remind you of being happy and that is devestating mostly because you have already come to terms with complacent and that is good enough for now i hope you delete this i dont want you to read it i want to fall out of your life until i can stay this halfway thing isnt working im floating between who i used to be and somebody i dont recognize i just wish you were here im sorry please let me fix this

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