• I have absolutely no idea what i'm supposed to be doing there is this need, this craving to be productive work, it says give out all that newly minted effort we dont want it in here, clogging up the pores push it out create something meaningless but the stat project, the reason for this feeling, is now out of my control mia took over she did the whole damn thing and now all i have is a guilty conscious and a blood stream dripping with beaded orange motivation i want to help i swear i did but i guess its ok that i dont have to i dont mind, as long as its done right if we ace this, i am golden only three more days of school my god, im feeling magical i get afraid sometimes that nobody likes me i hear the whispers, the awkward moments i notice all that breezes over "We don't like her" simple as that best friends is just a label, like the sticker on a cereal box we all need someone to claim relationships are sticky just that word to throw around is enough how you feel, the way you treat other people when nobody is looking thats the shit we cant ungrasp i feel lucid now because i am writing words and drugs do that to me for a little while i am make believe special there is an airplane filled with 100 strangers in peru and a car filled with someone who has transcended any sort of label in your driveway they are both going to crash but you have the power to prevent one which do you choose? i would choose the airplane, but not because im a good person i only want people to think im a good person sometimes perception is the best motivation the prosepect of this summer is absolutely terrifying i have realized that time makes me unhappy i fill it with tv and sleep, the way you fill a cup with water pouring it all in, a running faucet in the kitchen its so so easy and thats what makes it difficult we are led to believe that life should not be simple so what do we do when it gets stagnant? we fuck it all up so here is what i have in my basket tonight: nothing i see the wicker bottome there is possibility for greatness i suppose but there is also possibility for sameness if i disappear will anyone notice? matt will, and thats comforting one person who cares about me wholy and truly so does that mean i should accept my fate? allow me to be saved? in theory, i could do nothing forever and even if i do melt away, i will have left someone behind to pick up the pieces and lie to everyone that i was special

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