• I'm walking around and I'm trying to be friendly but it's as if I say hello out of nervousness. But you know its real if you mean it. When someone just nods there head and says hey its much diffrent than when someone looks you in the eye with a look of life annd vitality, eye brows raised and a look of rest in their eyes its much different. Its the difference between a real hello and a obligation. Yet I dont feel comfortable walking by someone without acknoledgeing their presence. THere's an awkwardness there if you dont. It's as if I am an ant and I'm smiling from ear to ear at everyone, everyone feels my energy yet I just do it out of nervousness. Saying hello to people can also bring people in to have a great conversation and to make them feel comfortable. Why wait in line at the coffee shop and make the person beside us feel comfortable? What about when I walked through the wrong exit in the library and almost broke the detector thing? I kept walking and regreted not fixing it. I didnt even act like it happened. I continuted walking with a very nervous guilty feeling in my stomach. Who am I do walk through like nothing happened. Its as if I pretend that i meant to do that. Is America's problem the ignorance of our tendency that we did something wrong? When you stumble over a crack in the sidewalk and fall face first on the concrete then hop back up like nothing happened, is that America's greatest fear? The fear of rejection? The fear that we won't blend in well of the standards that have been set? We must be stone cold faced and only make jokes as means of communication. If this is the case, we can't pretend like we care about anyone. It seems we cant continue to ask for help or care about the next person. its as if everyone is objective from us. If we see a person in need we either a.) oh that's their problem, they havent worked hard enough in life b.) oh i can help them but only if I get some kind of compensation c.) oh if I look the oppostie direction maybe they wont realize that I saw them hurting. Its as if we have so many safeguards, psychological devices and physical language showing that our lives are so meaningful without other people and although we know other people have needs we just have to get to work and get this report done or we just have to get to class or go to bed or eat or look at the sky or ignore someone's pain or even someone existence. Im not talking about ignoring the janator who cleans my dorm or even the guy on the corner that i pretend like I dont see. im talking about the people I cosnider myself equal to. The girl who reminds you of your friend at home. The guy who has a similar taste in the way I dress but 'he just seems cocky and full of himself' The girl in my class who is walking right behind me and I know she sits across the room from me but im going to act like I didnt see her walk in the door behind me even though i held the door open yet didnt look at her. What about sitting and talking to peopel. I see Buzz walking across campus in the same direction I am walking yet I still have the urge to keep walking and not wait on him as if my conversation with sean is so important i can prtend i didnt see him. Where do I go from here? Do I write or read or do I live? Is reading escapism? Is reading something we do to escape our problems and concerns? Is reading a thing we do when just to make ourselves busy as opposed to relationship? I belive we live by not wanting to know who we are but by losing our identity and killing ourselves and relating to people. Forget who we are every day wheter that be "I am an English major" or "I am a republican" or whatever million roles we label ourselves with. This seems to put us on a gird that says "since I dress preppy, I cant relate to the kid with the black sabbath tshirt on" So if we seem to identify ourselves with clothes it would be a good idea to start wearing tshirts taht didnt have brand names on them because that way we could not be associated with one group and have the potential to connect with anybody.

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