• i was on my way home from work and i had a new mix i made in the cd player and "the speed of pain" by marylin manson came on. and it got to the part where he says "and i wish i could sleep but i cant lay on my back 'cuz there's a knife for every day that i've known you. when you want it. goes away to fast. times you hate it. always seems to last. just remember when you think you're free. the crack inside your fucking heart is me. . ." and then it goes into the chorus. that part reminds me of elaine a lot. because she told me she loved me and would never think about leaving me. and she did. and after a while she told me that while she was telling me that she loved me, she was not in love with me. which i consider to be very wrong. later in her life when she tried for her relationships, i hope she looks back at me in her mind and feels remorse for not staying with me.

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