• It's so cold in this room and i dont know why its going to be may this weekend this year is almost over matt comes home in less than two weeks i am excited, but also nervous we've never been together for an extended period of time i hope we dont get sick of each other i guess this will be good to find out if we really are as perfect together as we imagine if not, well who knows i read the perks of being a wallflower the other day i think i found the missing ingredient to an interesting journal my life just isnt fucked enough to have much of a storyline there is no childhood molesting, no abusive boyfriends, no LSD there is just a white town and lots of money and a pretty face and a loving family and there's just not much room to go uphill with that whenever im high, i always start to find society sort of laughable when i do things that are just sooooo stereotypical like talk about prom or even clean my room, it feels a little like life is a game of sims its hard to describe, but i can sort of see how easy it would be to disappear if I wasnt me like if everday was really just a strange simulation, and i could win at a game of happiness and control me from a computer screen, i would probably make me so much braver they say if you are unhappy, you have to change something and i mean, that's obvious unhappy isn't a feeling you want lingering around but no one ever tells you what to do with complacent like most gray areas in this black and white world, the idea of being "just okay" isn't really discussed if i know i am lucky, what if I make a change and mess every opportunity up? is that risk worth the chance to be legitimately thrilled to be alive? anyone who reads this (although why would you, my journals have been terrible lately) please please comment i'm just really afraid of being let down

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