• i can't see the future anymore. it's all faceless people and nameless locations. so, exactly the way it is now. i don't think anybody can see me either. i don't remember my days. it's okay because they don't really matter. the people here now won't be the people here then. i don't care either way. it's not like i'll remember. it's useless. nothing changes the way i feel. bullet-proof misery. it doesn't matter how many more people i talk to. other people can't help me. they landed me this way, but they can't save me now. i'm biking the long way on purpose. i'm stopping to smoke, and then spitting the whole ride home. little kids stare at me with wide and shocked eyes. i look back at them with wide and jaded eyes. i want to smile, but i know that i'll just grimace. it's not worth it. i'd say that i was "dying" in that sylvia plath and tibetan philosophy sense of the word, but i wasn't really alive to begin with. i think "decaying" is a more appropriate verb. it's hard to like yourself when you have a rotting personality.

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