• get ready for a long ass journal entry. havent written in awhile and i think its been fucking with my mind. so i have an overwhelming sense of guilt built up and no way to relieve it and its killing me. i still love you and its killing me to be with him. i cant bring myself to commit to him because im still hoping youll come back as well as i feel like its wrong and under false pretenses. i find myself getting sick of him too. hes everything i need but youre everything i want. i want you back so much and its been worse. i see you and it kills me. i wish youd just come back to me. i going to hurt this boy and i dont want to but im already in too deep and being with him is better than being alone. i wonder if i gave it all up and asked for you back would you come ? you seem like you would. i caught your eye today i know you look even if you deny it. i wish youd just fight for me. i wish you would give me a reason to come back so i could. and i feel lost and helpless and alone. tegan and sara arent even helping as much. i like these short choppy sentences. ive been crying a lot lately. mostly over you. if i told you would you believe me ? i find myself missing your responses. i find myself missing your smell your chest you. every little thing sets me off crying. you looked at me the other day while i was walking with him i died inside and almost started crying right in the middle of th hallway. i always wonder what would happen if i just broke down in the middle of school in a corner would people pity me or make fun me ? i hope its the former yet i know its the latter. i talk about you all the time. youre always on my mind. when i see you my eyes are glued to you. i sometimes pretend its back to us and it feels good until it all comes crashing around me again and again. i know this is stupid and it was such a short time but you really were everything i liked. do you ever think about me? i just wanna have sex with you. funny that its how i feel after everything but youre the only guy i ever wanted to with and made me feel safe. what would you say if i asked for it ? we planned a future times and i want those future times. i really have nothing left to say i just like rambling. i burned myself today. it was over a year since the last time i regret it but i felt i needed it. im being stupid crying over you. i can do better in fact i am doing better but hes not you. i cant believe after all this time i still want you. what did you do to me ? so i burned and it was barely anything but it was enough to remind myself of earlier times. i wanna talk to sam about it but he doesnt understand anymore. i feel pretty helpless and alone right now. i burned for you. i burned because im stupid and need to end it with you. i need closure with you i wish you could just give it to me. im never going to be able to commit to him. im afraid of committing because then it means ill get attachedd and then left and then hurt. we were fine until we committed it was all down hill from there. hes not like you but no one is and they all ended the same. same with curt same with steve same with everyone. its a bucket of shit is what it is. youre not even that great or special i dont understand my feelings for you. i love your gauges that are finally back in. i love the way you look. youre hot to me and hes just eh and it saddens me. and it scares me that hes becoming too attached to me. hes telling me im perfect and im his motivation and alternative to his addictions. me and you we flowed me and him we idk. im so confused sad scared and guilt. i hate health and how they try to get me to tell them my dark secrets about my loss and how i deal with my shit but thats private so leave me the fuck alone about it. i hate how she tells me im a depressed stressed mess but listen if i dont fucking call myself that then im not and i can avoid it. so shut the fuck up and leave me alone. i wish i had more to write but im just repeating myself over and over. theres nothing new in this life of mine same old problems with the same old solutions. i wonder if im still bianca

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