• My muscles jerk, my bones ache and creak, my eyelids droop, and my lips sting. I park the car after driving in the pouring rain. He exits, I stay, listening to the pitter patter of the falling rain on the roof of the Beetle dubbed 'Doyle.' I begin to think, but realizes that gets me into low spaces. I grab my brown zip up sweater from the back and run through the rain, my flats making a lovely sound on the wet sidewalk. I walk in, greet my cat, and begin one of the most difficult conversations I have had in a while. Three hours later, eyes wet, I walk into the bathroom and shut the door, taking a long look at myself in the mirror. My hair banana curled the perfect sort of way throughout the day. I draw in my breath and decide once more I have nice eyelids and nice hips. Hours pass, and I remain here, listening to Cartel and thinking about how I love Camden so. How college will be okay, how I will never let myself have to live in someone else's home again. I will learn to care for myself and be okay. Lately, I think more and more of medicine. Is it weak to take a pill which will make your mind feel a little more easy? I have always felt so against behavior altering medication. Now I am considering it, it makes me feel like I am failing. Failing to keep it all under control and to keep things looking pretty on the outside at least. A friend of mine has noticed, and I felt like I let some dirt get on my petals, I have become too lazy to knock it off, the wind isn't quite strong enough around here to do it for me. Therapy just seems to hurt me more. I am trying to keep a feelings record again, maybe that will help, maybe it won't. Who knows? It's worth a shot, I think. Today, I decided that it doesn't really matter what we think or feel, what we say or write, as long as we are working toward a better tomorrow. This is certain to change in time, for I am often times fickle and strange, but I hope it sticks around for a while at least. Quote of the Day: ~“My evening visitors, if they cannot see the clock, should find the time in my face.”~ --Ralph Waldo Emerson

• Whoa, you have a massive journal.
  Congrats on your 100th entry.
  You know this makes a pretty good story. Are you a writer by any chance?

  alterEgoon March 26, 2010   Link

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