i'm trying so hard to keep these keystrokes quiet.
so as not to be heard and wake the others in this place.
i fucking love being the only one up. the only one alive.
everyone else resting cadavers. temporarily dead. lost. forgotten. annexed from this world.
fuck.
i felt so awkward today.
but people still like me. it's reassuring and odd. but not unwelcome.
i just feel bad. because i know i should probably care in return.
but i just can't. i can't feel it. i don't get it.
and sometimes i feel like i'm just not sane.
i don't feel crazy. i just feel fucking different. afflicted i guess.
today was just fucking wierd. so so wierd.
i can't even-
okay.
i normally don't journal this way. don't list my days activities, i usually just record my broken reflections. because i'm fucking scared to be too open. even here. in this anonymous and insignificant place. haha what a joke. but... here we go.
i do not get along with the people in my school.
but there's a sacred few who i can tolerate. for minimal amounts of time. and that's rare. i usually can't spend ANY time around the denizens of this town. stuck up bitches and douche bag boys. no.
but they still randomly enjoy me. despite me constantly berating them.
they ask me how i'm doing, when i sit by myself. compliment nearly everything i do. affectionately play with my gauges. tell me how lovely i look.
i really feel like the kid i babysit knew i had been crying.
he had that look that says he knew.
then his dog threw up.
but i literally never cry. that was the first time in over a year. fuck you owl city. bringing up buried memories. FUCK that shit.
i'm usually so angry and frustrated when i write here. but not tonight.
i was barely offensive at all. who the fuck am i right now?
it's okay i'm on drugs i'm on drugs i'm on drugs.
i felt so awkward today.
but people still like me. it's reassuring and odd. but not unwelcome.
i just feel bad. because i know i should probably care in return.
but i just can't. i can't feel it. i don't get it.
and sometimes i feel like i'm just not sane.
i don't feel crazy. i just feel fucking different. afflicted i guess.
today was just fucking wierd. so so wierd.
i can't even-
okay.
i normally don't journal this way. don't list my days activities, i usually just record my broken reflections. because i'm fucking scared to be too open. even here. in this anonymous and insignificant place. haha what a joke. but... here we go.
i do not get along with the people in my school.
but there's a sacred few who i can tolerate. for minimal amounts of time. and that's rare. i usually can't spend ANY time around the denizens of this town. stuck up bitches and douche bag boys. no.
but they still randomly enjoy me. despite me constantly berating them.
they ask me how i'm doing, when i sit by myself. compliment nearly everything i do. affectionately play with my gauges. tell me how lovely i look.
i really feel like the kid i babysit knew i had been crying.
he had that look that says he knew.
then his dog threw up.
but i literally never cry. that was the first time in over a year. fuck you owl city. bringing up buried memories. FUCK that shit.
i'm usually so angry and frustrated when i write here. but not tonight.
i was barely offensive at all. who the fuck am i right now?
it's okay i'm on drugs i'm on drugs i'm on drugs.