• Lastnight I felt like this: They are trying to get Nannie back into hospital. It would be the second time this year. It is horrible, to see her shake, the pitiful things that worry her “lulu, can you please check my phone, I think someone called, I don’t know what to do. What if I miss a call from her? What if? What if?” That look on her face. She takes her pills, she worries, she sleeps, and sometimes, she smiles, in that way. The smile that says ‘I’m sorry, this is all too hard, I try, but I can’t fight it anymore.’ She smiles like she’s trying so hard. It kills, to see her like this, I remember having so much fun with her, especially when I was little. Mum is on the phone to her now. I can hear them talking, Nannie in her insanity, my mother, laughing sometimes, then the voice of a psychologist. Calming, trying. She knows what to do, she has done this for years, ever since she was younger than me. she can be a bitch, and I hate her, but what she has had to endure. Her and Pa, they are saints. They look after her every single day. And when they crack, I cantdescribe. And it’s horrible, but I could not stand to be like her. Mum talks to me in the same way she talks to he when I’m like that. I get like that. I start to shake.the difference is, I get angry. I don’t let them in on my depression. But im scared, I get scared, that I will end up like her, a wreck of her former self. I cannot handle the thought, Im stressed, tired, procrastinating as always and this, And fuck, now I’m angry, my grandmother is going to a fucking mental hospital again and I mananged to turn it into a fucking rant about myself. Disgustingcunt. That’s what I am. Jay just text me “ do you realised I can see myself spending…well, a majority of my life with you.” No, just, I can too. But I will fuck up this beautiful girl, I will wreck her, I am horrible, and it will tarnish her. I see myself with her, for years, and years, I cannot see a future without her, But I hurt her, I know it, when I say I want to cut, when I call her coz I cannot handle my own life. It is not fair, not on her, We will become nannie and pa. Her friends are right, there is no way that I am worth the pain that I am, that I will cause her. And even now, I know what I’ve just written will hurt her I could not post, but this needs to go up out and away, I can’t hold it to my chest I cannot keep it in And FUCKINGCUNTLICKINGSONOFANDONKINGFUCKINGWHORE I am talking about myself again. I quit. BUT NOW, Tonight I started restoring my depression era cupboard. It’s actually so good, I haven’t done anything like this in years. Lately I’ve been struggling heaps with my identity, I feel too fem, way too fem. Im craving the idea of being a guy again, I miss having shortshort hair, being a tomboy, wrestling with Gus. Its actually ironic, the years when I was the biggest tomboy were when I had the longest hair.

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