• and everything in my heart, the ache of a pressure too great for the walls every blood vessel, every beat pounding was telling me to write so i kept it all inside it felt more normal as if the fact that i wasn't writing meant i was getting better as if i was sick before as if there were some miraculous transition stage i could take and shine on, claim to be a part of but i wasn't getting better i was only getting smaller my focus diminished to a pinprick of love matt, matt, matt alltheallthetime he absorbed me, into his words and his hope and i evaporated like rubbing alcohol he said that i made him happy and that i was his everything i have never been anyone's everything i am the guardian to a another human's heart is there is anything in the entire world more appealing or empowering? and so i accepted, a task i was unsure of when i said i loved, i loved when i said i hurt, i hurt but when i said forever, i couldn't grasp it like a space-time paradox, it was just too big vast and fast for me to wrap my head around i read sylvia plath and i thought about red capped bleeding thumb soldiers i read invisible monsters and i thought about blown of jaw bones and has been beauty i read my own work and i thought about how many hours and tears of my life i have spilled in order to create only a word collection and then i realized it was time to stop trying a kid from my school killed himself on saturday i didn't know him, but when i found out, i felt angry how stupid how god damn fucking stupid people cared about him people wrote nice things on his facebook wall that really seemed sincere and to think someone had to walk in and discover a lifeless hanging mannequin, well that just disgusts me

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