• i dont believe in heaven. a boy at a bar once asked me if i'd believed in God. With a capital G. I told him "no." He asked me why. I told him that if he were real, bad things wouldn't happen and he wouldn't make it so hard for people to be as good as he plans them to be. He took it with thought and didn't have a reply. And we work for a living. And we die for a living. My dad told a million stories in one. We used to have a lot of fun. They used to tell me milk made my bones strong. And when I grew up, I found they were wrong all along. I started taking hits from the bong. My brother told me I broke my fathers heart. My mom told me herself I broke her heart. And for a year now, everyday I look for a new start. My bestfriend is onyx. Sometimes, I'd like to give her hooked on phonics. I only seems ironic. This was when she told me that her and her boyfriends relationship was comletely platonic. I wonder if she knows that bleeding means losing. And everything is breaking my heart. I pin down the wrinkles. I was so afraid of creases. Except in my note passing. My bestfriend back then got best note passer. I got best note writer. And we used to have a lot of fun. I remember meeting you. It was so different then. It was so much the same. I dont think all of that needs to be explained. It was cold, just like it is now. And we have alot of fun, don't we? Did we? Do we? You always 'think' you wish you could be the reason I laugh. I know it's important to you, but I keep all emotions to myself, for myself. And we never talk about your dad health. But I know this is face to face. And I know he's shitty, and maybe you say theres no ounce of love in him, but i'll say theres an inch. maybe a centemeter. And in between the saddest nights and the happiest, we'll laugh hard, we'll laugh a sober hard, and talk about how we hated never being able to do this. And we won't realize these are the moments until they've actually passed. So when I realize it when it's there I'll be screaming. "THIS IS IT, dont you understand this is it?" You'll smile. But you'll still realize after. You'll stand behind my caked up face in the mirror and tell me you've always been jealous. But I bet you didn't know I think you're the most beautiful girl i've ever met. And it's hard because you always forget. I lied when you said you didn't dissappoint me. I was just making repetitive selfish statements. You dissappoint me for dissappointing yourself. I know you want to die. and I know you haven't have a perfect day, much less an hour. But I know if you stopped doing that thing you do, you're days will be less timed, and you're talks will be less planned. things will fall into place, and you'll always have my hand. you'll always have my hand. And don't you realize. this is it?

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