• captain chaos makes me happy. in the mornings i make coffee. sometimes it has a weird texture. you sit in my car with one hand on the roof. and realize that there. the texture is different too. and were sitting in this room thats too small for allofus. but i realized thats where it was happening. or wasn't. time is never on our side. and we're wasting so much of it. get home and waste another conversation. waiting for things to slowly stay the same. i can taste anorexia in the back of my throat. can you? never thought i was right. just though i had a right to have a point. and we're all motion. so unmoving. so motionless. it makes us. emotionless. and sometimes you need change. to work the machine. and sometimes. you need. change. to work. the machine. and you are a human. machine. and your actions are acceptable because you're you. but mine are unacceptable because, she's her. and i'm so scared. but what are allofyou doing about it besides complaining. you're all just ask scared. as. i am. you'll pretend to write about this, and it'll all be a metaphore, simile, whatever the literal term for, "like" is. but it'll never even come close. don't have a bit of comfort in my head. but gotta lotta hope in my chest. and when i get thirsty i drink. and later you'll hand me that mixtape you made. and it'll sound all empty. and i dont want to look back on her. thats it. i dont. want. to. look. back. on. this. i want it to be there when i am there. sappy songs about moving on, and futuristic drama bullshit won't be our theme. it'll be the same ones we have today. in the back seat of someone elses car. and the people driving will be the look back ons. back look ons. on look back. might as well look back. now. and back when we were 7 we never forgot to eat dinner. and were never taught the meaning of progression. and we've spent our lives waiting. spent most of our lives dreaming. and i realized how different they are as the people change. and the stories you ask me to tell. i whisper them in my head until i fall asleep. you try to make a list of all the people you could give a fuck about. and i never thought. i would. give. a fuck. about. allofyou. thefourofyou. you. but you've become all my fucks. you'll never start writing because the list is too long. and you were never good at lists. unless it was the length. just a waste of time. this one. you've forgotten all the names. we won't have to send postcards. we'll just have to pick them out. or make our own. and we are made of everything we regret. and only our wants. because those are the things we talk about. like the urges of our atoms. or our. organs. or the want for our fourth ciggarette in the first hour. and we'll all forgive eachother. because we're all we've got. you fell in love with the sunshine. and i fell in love with the night. you left with a boy. i left with my drink. spent 6 years on the verge of tears. and soon i'll be built up enough to provide africa with sea of fears. and i understand that you're all bitter. with me. but i wish you'd just come with. me. i've got lots of problems. but i've got no freedom to force them. out. but i forgive. you. all. and you'll all be as beautiful as when we first met. because i realized that i love you. i love you. i love you. and i'm not scared of that anymore. and what scares me the most is, that im not scared of it. and i know im not crazy for thinking it. or saying it back. sabatoge the mind. i dont want to regret. i just want to forget. you'll all be done outside because it's too cold to feel. you'll beg me to come inside. and i'll tell you, just a few more. i'll be okay. and she said. i love you. and i always forget to. say it. but i love you. i love. you. i love you. you know that sunken feeling that happens when you look down and for the first second all your feelings drop and it all rushes back at once? i feel that way. now. all the time. we'll have our favorite rooftop and look at the city and realize how much its changed. how the people never go. but the only thing that stays the same. is. i love you i love you i love you. we're all awestruck by the things that we are. youre never wrong. but we're always right. it just gets sad when you begin to ask why. or where. when things have always been the same. you all keep me sane. but next time. i'm. here. i hope. you. grow. a pair. and keep me company. because the room thats too small for allofus. is all we've got. and if theres not excuse. then will you please join? and if i forgot to mention it. i thought you should know. i love you. i love you. i love you.

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