• tegan and sara fill my ears songs are on repeat and i feel their pain. i wallow in self pity theyre the sound track to my darkest places. i could spend hours feeling bad for myself listening to this music and never want to change a damned thing. im writing constantly in here because ive no one to talk to anymore. at least t and s have real problems they write and sing about mine are all made up it seems. i escape to books to see if that curbs my addiction of self pity and it does for the brief time im reading but as soon as i finish the book i wish i were one of the characters and its back to feeling bad all over again. and im always saying when im older but i keep getting older and nothing keeps happening. so one day im assuming this will all work out but if it doesnt then well fuck. haha never really thought about what happens if i dont make something of myself always just imagine going off and making friends and going out and finally living my life. but that probably wont happen but its the only thing that keeps me going every day so ill just pretend like its realistic. and i hope to god no one sits and reads the self absorbed woes of me on this journal its really not meant for that. my dream life would be that of hermione granger. and its all because she gets to do magic, is the best witch of her time, and gets ron in the end. i just wanna fast forward my life to see who i get in the end because more and more im fearing the inevitable is living alone and becoming nothing. i love taking showers and i could spend hours in them but then it gets lonely and i wish you were with me. this journal is so disjointed and its relaxing me and just writing these words makes me feel better and relieved. i love talking to people i dont know and will never know because i can be myself without fear of rejection. its ahmazing talking to someone who i will never have to come face to face with and just being able to say whatever and not have to worry that they will tell someone who tells someone who tells someone and then have to worry about dealing with thousands of peoples shit. its like when i talk to someone i dont know and then they respond and then its over theres no residual feeling and happenings due to the conversation because they never tell anyone that has anything to do with me. its really great except i dont not know that many people that i could talk to. everyone i know i see almost every day and it sucks. thank god for t and s and this album its ahmazing and i will never shut it off even if its damaging me beyong belief i dont give a shit. oh fuck its pure bliss in my ears and im turning off and im going down and its done...

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